-----FEELING ALL SHADES OF BLUE------ First off let me start with saying thank you to everyone who had little Mia in their prayers. This weekend, Little Mia has left this world to be with our Lord. Precious Mia under the age of two fought so hard and overcame so much until her little heart could fight no longer. After several surgeries, months of struggle against cancer, her organs began to shut down and her heart said no more. Though I never physically met her, I felt a bond with this little girl. Her smile was infectious and mind and body so brave. She wore the same hair-do as me and I truly believed she was going to be my little partner in our battle against this ugly disease. The Lord answered so many of our prayers and there were several times it looked like she was going to pull through....but in the end she was taken home to be with our Lord. My heart aches for those who loved her and left behind. For her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., please continue to pray for them and a peace. I have been a bit despondent with family and friends for the past week or two. These past two weeks have been rough. This fight with cancer has really scared me. The previous week I began to feel pain in my gums. When I first started chemo I felt teeth pain. I knew that was coming, I read on some of the sites that this chemo could cause pain. I didnt expect the gums. I was in a good deal of pain, called my doctor and was informed to go to the dentist but for the dentist to consult with them before any procedure. As it turns out, my gums on the bottom right were inflamed/infected, but my teeth were fine. Because of chemo, I could not have a cleaning performed that would alleviate the pain and was given antibiotics instead. I was told in 72 hours the pain would subside and the inflammation would decrease. I cant imagine if it was a cavity or a root canal. Thank you Lord, this could have been way worse. I dont know if it was due to the infection or the toxic been pushed through my body for the past 15 weeks, but my fatigue has increased by the hundreds. I realized just walking up the stairs I was winded. Standing too long was exhausting. All I could wish for was my bed and even in bed I felt I had run a mile. Imagine being exhausted from just lying down. I remember face timing my sister during the worse part of it.....hindsight I should not have done it. I saw her face! (I know all of my sisters expressions and pride myself on being able to read her.) In a sentence, FaceTime was brief. I couldnt handle the expression on her face. FYI card sharks - my sister is an easy read!!! For the first time it was confirmed on how I was feeling. For the first time I truly felt like a cancer patient. My inner matched the outer. My sister and I talked the next day and I called her out on it. I forced her to tell me what she saw. My eyes were darkened, my complexion pale. I think during some of my naps I found my mom and Jeff huddled over me to see if I was still breathing. Okay, a bit morbid...little peepers! I told them both, I will pre-warn them when I think it is time....and it aint time yet! We chuckled about it, but truthfully the reality of it is haunting. I took a while to recover from the previous week, but our struggles in the Polloreno household did not start and end with me. Ethan had gotten sick in the mist of all of this hoopla. He ran a fever for days we his highest at a 102. Finally Jeff took him in when the cough seemed to rest in his chest. Flu-like symptoms the doctor said, termaflu was given along with cough medicine. Thank The Lord for Nancy, Ethan was out of school for over a week. Our schedule went breakfast, medicine, fluid, medicine, fluid, cookie, calm play, fluid, food, rest, fluid, rest, food, fluid, medicine, fluid, cookie, fluid sleep...of course on top of crying during the medicine time. Amazing how minimal crying was when daddy was administering the medicine. His Nana and I wear the sign sucker on our forehead so well. Well eventually the fever dropped, the runny nose subsided, the cough minimized but not without hitting a few of our beloved...aka Jeff, mom and Emiley. Ugh, I couldnt believe it. Now I was forced to wear a mask not just around Ethan but basically everyone in the household. It was contagion! I had bread monkey-carriers. Ah!!! We had separated Ethan from Emiley throughout Ethans duration of sickness, but unfortunately it mustered its way to her. Prayers were in the bounty...please no fever. My girl had not had her flu shots yet. I was forced to my chambers like Rapunzel minus the hair. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair, cried the prince. Sorry, sike!, would be my reply. Thank God for my Emileys appetite. Thank God for her immune system. Thank God for no fever. Especially thank God for the two women who have taken my children and nursed them back to health. How hopeless and useless I felt. One can only handle a mask on their face for so long. Unfortunately today I still wear the mask. Outside of my chambers the mask must come on. Emiley finds it quite amusing to try to yank and pull the sucker off my face. Uh, she is SO cute! Well, when we thought the ocean had calmed, we sent Ethan back to school. After missing a week of school we sent him off in high spirits. Todays forecast was 60s with a breeze. The kids in his class are forced to put their sweaters and jackets in a bin and unless the teacher mentions to grab their jackets/sweaters for recess, they go outside with what they are currently wearing. I cant recall how many times I have mentioned to Ethan to put on his jacket or his sweater, or to the teacher to please make sure he has it on...ZIPPED....because of our situation at home. Well, it was a very windy day. Nancy went to pick him up after school and in walks in a crying....no screaming little boy. His first day back at school and this! My gut had told me to keep him home for the rest of the week, but he had missed so much school already. Ethan was screaming that his ear hurt. No! I instantly knew, this was an earache and a bad one. With all his earaches he has endured from age 3 1/2 to 5 (about 10-12 aches) this was going to be the worst. He had never cried like this. That late afternoon, we went from my doctors appointment for my shot to Ethans doctors appointment. What a long exhausting day! Per doctor it was a severe ear infection requiring antibiotics and ear drops for the pain backed with a 102.7 fever. My poor Ethan! Things seem to have slowed down in this household. Spirits began to rise again. A consensus of energy beginning to rise amongst the household. Today I went in for my last cycle check-up. My doctor and nurses were excited. Vitals good...most of the blood work (CA125 pending) showed good. Physical checked out. Everyone happy. I had a small discussion with my doctor to discuss after chemo. Like I expected and didnt expect....maintenance. The part I expected...I will never truly be done with this cancer. The half unexpected....I will most likely undergo maintenance chemo for a year. I have a choice of course. Dont do it and take the risk. Do it with no assurance it will work. My choices are ever three weeks with Taxol or every three weeks with Avastin. Something to ponder, assuming I am NED and in remission. Overall doctors appointment went well, but always in the back of my mind is the CA125 and the BRCA results. At 4:45 I received the call. My CA125 was back and once again it has gone up, but this time spiked up. I am now at a 15.4. I am concerned, Elaine (my nurse) was concerned and discussed it with the doctor. Dr. Fleming is a bit concerned but indicated it could have spiked because of my gum infection. The CT will reveal itself which is preliminarily scheduled for April14th. (I was given the option of a day early from the full three weeks. I jumped at it! I said who wants to take a test on the most non-liked day of the year...tax filing deadline. Definitely not me....not with my luck. Ha!....actually that was a good laugh in the room.) Well with hearing of my CA125 and anyone who knows me knows I filter what I hear and start with the negatives and eventually work my way up. I had to get off that phone. I could tell Elaine was concerned but tried to encourage me. She left it with the doctor may have some concerns, but! Well, my mind is still stuck with the doctor may have some concerns. I cant do this! I cant leave my family, but I dont want to be one of those useless moms always sick and unable to fully raise her children. Boy they sure got the short end of the stick on this one. I just want to scream out, hug them and apologize to them. If I could will myself, I will myself healthy. I will myself to have them never feel my heartache. I sit here and pray. I pray for Gods mercy! I pray for a stronger mind. I read the scriptures on my wall. I chant the scriptures on the wall. I beg for them to be imbedded in my head and remove all fear and doubt. My stupid rambling thoughts do its what ifs. If I wasnt a mom, I could endure this better. The pain is so great. I have handicapped my children. No matter what I have forever changed the course of their lives. One day they may read this. They have been my greatest joy and my deepest pain (pain to have left them). I beg you Lord for me not to leave them and Jeff. I love them too much! I must stop writing. Sorry to leave things on such a downer. It is just ramblings from a very sad, insecure person at the moment. Give me a day or so and slowly I will have my pick-me-up moments. I know you all are praying. I cant ask any more of anyone other than prayer. Pray for all of the above and Mias family. I cant imagine and hope to never feel what they are feeling at this moment. After I finish my pity party for one, I will realize it could be far worse. For those reading this and afraid for my mental health and spiritual health, I have not given up or given up on God. I know He has a plan for me...maybe this is my test. Good night or good morning for now. Today I have my grueling three drug chemo. Hopefully the last of the three ever. Yeah for hopefully the last cycle of chemo and Lord willing one step closer to remission.
Posted on: Tue, 11 Mar 2014 10:56:00 +0000
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