- JOKES FOR WEDNESDAY :- * A corny talk on the farm... A corny talk on the farm... Do you know what the lettuce asked the radish? Let us be best friends? And what did the radish answer? You naughty thing, you make me blush! you make me reddish! * The Yiddish Parrot Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one day. He was wishing something wonderful would happen to his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: Quawwwwk...vus macht du...! Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldnt believe it! Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish? In a matter of moments, Meyer purchased the bird and carried the parrot home. All night long he talked with the parrot...in Yiddish. The parrot listened while sharing some walnuts. The next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot wanted to pray, too. Meyer hand made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot also wanted to read Hebrew, so Meyer spent months teaching him the Torah. On Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and was carried to the synagogue on Meyers shoulder. Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the rabbi. At first, the rabbi refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced him that the parrot could pray. Wagers were made on whether the parrot could speak Yiddish or not. All eyes were on the two of them during services. The parrot was still perched on Meyers shoulder as one prayer and song passed...but the parrot didn’t say a word. Annoyed, Meyer said Pray, parrot! You can pray...do it now while everybodys looking at you! The parrot said nothing. After services were over, Meyer realized he owed the synagogue over four thousand dollars. He marched home, saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the temple, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him. You miserable bird...you cost me over four thousand dollars today. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And, after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah...Why did you do this to me? Dont be an idiot, the parrot replied. Think of the odds well get on Yom Kippur! * King Arthur was ambushed... King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthurs youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death. The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarchs proposition to have an answer by years end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthurs closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice, compared to Arthurs life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthurs question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered . . . is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthurs life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half-the-time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now . . . what is the moral to this story? The moral is . . . If you dont let a woman have her own way . . . Things are going to get ugly! * Grandpa was reminiscing about... Grandpa was reminiscing about the good old days... When I was a lad, Ma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar bill, and Id come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a packet of tea, and a half dozen eggs. You cant do that now! Too many security cameras! * White priest goes and lives with an African tribe... White priest goes and lives with an African tribe He spends his days teaching the way of the lord. After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further.... ok chief. See that flock of sheep? Mmm yes. See they are all white, but that one black one? Mmm yes. Does that help you to understand? Mmm yes. I no say nothing about baby, you no say nothing about sheep. * Good thinking.. Two brunettes and a blonde are driving in the desert when, all of a sudden, their car breaks down. As none of them have any motoring knowledge, they decide to walk. Each of them decides to take one thing with her. The first brunette takes some food in case she gets hungry, the second brunette takes some water in case she gets thirsty and the blonde takes a car door. When questioned about her choice, the blonde replies: Well, if I get hot, I can roll down the window! * Its late, the bartender and and a guy... Its late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50? The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, ok, show me. The guy spits and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, Thats amazing! You deserve the $50! The next day, about noon, the guys in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if I can do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would you give me $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else. The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, if you can spit in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, Ill give you $200 The guy says, Sure, but I need a little time to get ready So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys pays the bartender, and says, I dont see what youre so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and youd be happy about it. * His favorite chocolate chip cookies.... An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In deaths agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for deaths agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. Stay out of those, she said, theyre for the funeral. * Young Son: Is it true, Dad? ... Young Son: Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her” Dad: That happens in every country, son *Computers are like air... Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows..
Posted on: Wed, 14 Jan 2015 14:37:39 +0000
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