#59 Me:” I really want to believe you but its difficult for me too, no mater how hard I try. I don’t think its fair of me to expect you to be a father to a child which is not yours” lunga:” but what if he is, what then? I can’t let my child refer to sandile as daddy while Im still alive and well. I am here for you lethu, please let me love you and please allow me to be part of our baby’s life” me:” I cant, I don’t think I will be able to…” I look down, lunga:” to what?” waiter:” here are your drinks, please enjoy” lunga:” thanks” he strolls off, lunga:” you were saying?” me:” I forgot what I wanted to say” lunga:” I see, what were you doing at mondli’s offices? Me:” check up” lunga:” and how did it go? why didn’t you come to me for one?” me:” conflict of interest and besides its nothing serious” lunga:” if you say so” being with lunga is starting to make me feel guilty about what I plan to do. But I refuse to back down, snowing or blowing Im getting rid of this baby and I don’t see why I should delay any further. Me:” will you excuse me I need to go to the rest room?” lunga:” sure” I take my purse, get up and quickly go to the rest room. On my way I pass the young man serving us and ask for a glass of water, he disappears into their kitchen. I look behind me and lunga is out of sight, I stand a few steps away from the kitchen entrance, open my purse and search for the pills I had just received. I quickly pop them out of their strip and I have all three in my hand. I put the empty container back in my purse. The young man returns with a glass of water. Waiter:” here you go” me:” thank you Sydney” reading from his name tag. He smiles and walks off, I look around once more to see if , there is anyone watching. I look at these small pills that will do excessive damage, am I ready for this? do I really have to do this? I take a sip of water while my mind debates about this further. My hands are shaking, but I need to do this. I need to do to this, I will do this… “ here you are” I put the half empty glass of water on the counter and turn startled. Me:” lunga” my heart is beatng fast, me:” I didn’t see you approach me” lunga:” I could see you were miles away, why didn’t you say you needed some water?” I just smile faintly at him. me:” I didn’t want to bother you” lunga:” when you weren’t coming back from the restroom I thought maybe the little one is giving you a hard time. I want to experience everything with you. the sickness, the cravings, the mood swings everything” but why is this guy so good to me, especially now. Unaware of how emeotional I am tears roll down my cheeks, he wipes them and gives me a bear hug. Oh lunga will you ever forgive me? lunga:” don’t cry lethu we will make it through this together” how I wish I could believe that. I push him away, still in tears. Me:” you are too good for me. I need to get home” lunga:” now?” me:” yes” lunga:” ok” while he is busy settling the account I take the brown paper packet and its contents and I throw it away in the nearest trash disposal bin. I don’t want this to follow me home or beyond this restaurant. What happened in here, stays in here. Lunga:” Im done lets go” we walk out, he reaches for my hand and holds it firmly. Our hands fit perfectly together, well that’s was also the case with sandile, sanele and ray, oh lawd let me just stop this. do my hand fits perfectly with every men I’ve been with so what? Big deal? I need to stop rambling or else I will loose my mind. We get to my car, lunga:” thank you for seeing me” me:” you left me no choice when you caused a scene like that” lunga:” I apologise for that” me:” no harm was done” lunga:” drive safely and lethu Im serious about us, please think about it” me:” ok” we share a hug, I hold him tight and I wish I don’t have to let go but I have to. I get in my car and drive home, I get home the girls are asleep and zodwa is busy with something. I go to my bedroom, bath and get into bed. I make a call, “ hey baby are you home?” me:” yes and you?” lunga:” I just got in, I first went by mondli’s place” me:” ok, good night” lunga:” sleep tight” I hang up and start praying I need to be forgiven for my sins and I need this heavy feeling in my heart to go away. Im taking it to the ONE who doesn’t judge and I fall asleep half way through my prayer…
Posted on: Mon, 08 Sep 2014 18:29:18 +0000
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