(Apologies in advance-this is a long one..) The anniversary of the October 17 bushfires is near and keenly felt in our mountain community, as a new bushfire season is upon us. Of all the things we lost in the Bushfires last year, I think the ones I miss the most are 2 leather journals I was keeping for our girls. Ive always enjoyed writing, and when I became a mum, I channeled that into writing letters for my babies, about their life at times, my dreams for them as women, funny stories and about the people they loved Knowing I can never replace those journals was one of the biggest losses I felt, more than photos, wedding rings and treasured items. I havent yet been able to start new journals for them, Im not sure I want them to know or remember exactly the places our grief has been to this year. But I will one day. In the meantime, I write for me, about our journey, and Im so grateful that many of you have shared that journey with us so far. I am not the same person I was a year ago. But then not many of us are- we all have our storms to weather. Ours was particularly rough this year, turbulent, emotional and sometimes just bloody hard work. This month is particularly stormy. Of the many homes lost in our street, we are the first to move home. Chatting with neighbours there seems to be a need to do something to mark the event, not to celebrate, but to perhaps reinforce the fact that we are changed yet not beaten. We have been contacted by lots of media, people want to know how we are, where we are and what we plan to do. There is no one answer, all of the fire-affected are taking it one day at a time still, and travelling their own journey. It has been 12 months since we lost our home, since our world changed & our children learnt about grief and resilience, so much earlier than any parent would ever wish, for their little ones. 12 months since I felt this immense, primal need to gather my family close and protect them from the outside world. From grief, from aching, from enquiring eyes and pitied looks, from the knowledge that nothing is forever and memories arent always enough. 12 months since we shifted through the ashy remains of everything we held dear and cried for things that had meant so little the day before. 12 months ago, in 2 short hours, our lives, our plans and our reactions changed forever. It would be easy to focus on everything the fires took from us, and believe me, there are days we still do. There are days where the smallest memory stops me in my tracks, where simpler tasks are so very hard to begin and staying positive just too damn exhausting. The word Ive used most this year is Bittersweet. Its a word Ive not used much before, and just never really understood. Life is bittersweet for us right now, were so very grateful for the resilience that helped us stay together as a family, guided us in rebuilding our own home, kept us centered when the world felt a little off-kilter. Our kids are struggling, their grief somehow delayed, moving back home this month was bittersweet for all of us. Weve dealt with fear, excitement, anger, joy, anxiety, sadness and a general feeling of unsteadiness. Weve had counselling in many shapes and forms. We talk a lot, remember a lot, plan a lot and we cry a lot, but so far were doing it together. Slowly the happy feelings are taking over. Simple joys are much easier to feel at the moment. The bigger things are tough. My amazingly talented, hard-working husband has built our new home from scratch, with the help of many family and friends. We moved in last week, and the feeling of coming home was so very strong. This is our home, our street, our happy place. Its where we envisioned our children growing up, making friends. Its hard to know if we did the right thing, rebuilding and moving back- hard to let go of the dreams we had and build new ones. The one thing we agreed on as a family, when we started this part of our journey was that if any of us ever felt unsafe or unhappy in this new home, than we move. Its a non- negotiable. Its the only way we know to keep control in a situation weve learnt we dont have much control over. But for now, this is home. Its a beautiful house, one that I hope we will be happy in, and that I would be proud to share, we have many plans to celebrate it, enjoy it and love it. I will forever be proud of the resilience and hope it symbolises for us. But always, in a little part of our mind, therell be the memories of the day the storm came and the home it took. Of the people we were and the innocent faith we had, Finding unbiased joy doesnt come easy, when we know how very quickly it can all be taken away. Our street is buzzing with the sound of new building & fresh life. So many homes lost that day 12 months ago, so many families displaced will be slowly filling up the empty spaces that have haunted our daily drives. You have to look very hard to see the black remains of fire under the green on the trees, and spring flowers are everywhere. Recovery is bittersweet, rebuilding is bittersweet, but sweet it is. I am not the same person I was a year ago. I am stronger and softer. I have learnt not to expect so much of myself, and others. I have had opportunities to step back from work, and commitments and really put my family first and our time together first. I dont answer the phone every time it rings any more, especially when Im with my girls. I can take days to reply to texts or emails, not because I dont care, but because I have to have other priorities right now. And some days all I have left to give is not enough to go around. Surprisingly, I am much more sociable than I have ever been. During this storm, I have been so blessed to have lots of people in my life, who know me well, and love me anyway. Especially this new me! I have reconnected with old friends, and been embraced by this community who didnt know what to do but give and love. I have more faith in people and their kindness than I ever had, and more faith in my value as a friend, something I havent always understood. I talk about the fires, when it comes up. I have to. Sometimes its to pre-empt a conversation I dont want to have at that time, to get it over quickly. Other times, because its just part of who we are, and where weve been and I dont want our girls to think its something they cant talk about, or that makes us different. None of us are the people we were a year ago, and I am so grateful for that. Not you, me or anyone else we know. I think thats how we know weve grown, almost like change is a measurement of where weve come from and where were going. This storm picked us up, battered us a bit and did its best. But we know, if it storms again, well still be here. And if a storm happens to come your way, hang in there- it will change you, it will rock you, but you can walk out the other side. Just in your own time - Kylie xx
Posted on: Thu, 09 Oct 2014 11:05:42 +0000
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