*******BREAKING NEWS******** An earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale hit Boscombe within the past hour. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering Fackin ell matel. The tremor devastated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. BBC News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Merseyside. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning. Apparently Drug taking, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Mega White Cider to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Cash Generator and Bone China from Poundland. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: snapbacks or Burberry baseball caps Adidas/nike tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Happy shopper energy drinks or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the budgeting loan forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £10 buys a bag of smack to calm the nerves of those affected.
Posted on: Tue, 20 Jan 2015 20:24:28 +0000
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