[Being the partner of a borderline] can be a blast, and utter misery. The most important thing is that borderlines tend to be masters at manipulation, and if she sees that she is able to get into your head, that signal hits home with her. Oddly, one wants to be caring and supportive, but in a partner position, her attraction is tied to respect for your ability to stand in her anger, and ability to be a rock to her storm. She gets a sense of safety if all the devaluing behaviors she throws at you have no effect, and instead you show strength. Sounds caveman, and anti-feminist, but it appears to be base built in stuff related to attraction. Now, what exactly being unaffected means and what showing strength means are unique to yourself and to your partner. For example, in one, cocky humor did wonders. Shed say something to hurt and Id call out what shed just done, and then say something in a cocky voice that smacked her back, with a playful undertone. It worked like magic. With a different partner, she actually needed me to physically be stronger than her. She needed to try to attack me and see that Id calmly catch her and hold her and not let her go until her storm subsided. During the episode she yelled the most horrible things at me, but after was incredibly affectionate and grateful that I stayed with her through it and didnt leave her, was a rock for her. With a different partner, she had too much abuse in her childhood, was oppositional, and very disconnected from reality. The only options I had were to be there, to let her talk through what she needed to share, and work around the edges, like a parent redirecting a childs attention. Nothing direct could be done. Her mood swung both ways, and I just had to read them, and flee on her bad days, a rock against her anger at me fleeing her abuse, and be there, enjoy while it lasted, on her good days. By the way, Borderline and bipolar have very strong correlation and overlap. A borderline often has the same kinds of mood swings as diagnosed bipolars. Someone living with them learns to read their mood in an instant, and react to them accordingly. Part of that devaluing seems to come simply from being in a down chemical state. The best way Ive found for that positive assessment of you to come back is to be an unaffected rock as they spew poison at you and try to hurt you during that down phase, and still be there when it has played itself out. That makes them feel safe that their behaviors arent going to chase you away, and that works wonders. Good luck, its a drama filled existence that can really make you feel alive (never bored) if thats the life youre looking for. -- Sean Halle
Posted on: Sat, 18 Oct 2014 04:30:05 +0000
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