(From me, Taylor)--People have been asking how Im doing. Let me try my best to express it succinctly. I understand the divine mandate that we “weep for the loss of them that die” (Doctrine & Covenants 42:35—“Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die”) and to “mourn with those that mourn” (Book of Mormon, Mosiah 18:9). But I don’t feel a loss. At least, not yet. In saying this, though, let me quickly correct any misunderstanding. Just because I dont feel a loss does not mean that I must be feeling Jamie’s direct presence. I don’t. I just feel love. And gratitude. Profoundly. I attribute that love to God, not to Jamie, although I think theyre on the same page right now, so to speak. But, others have felt or experienced her distinct presence, which they’ve shared privately with me. It’s sacred. I’m grateful it has not happened to me, because, as a critical thinking lawyer, I can easily see how right now I’m not a credible witness about the truth of Jamie’s continued presence. As a love-sick husband, I’d be told by any critical thinking lawyer without faith, “Oh, Taylor, your claimed experience of feeling her presence is nothing more than wishful thinking. You’re emotional right now. We can understand that you would naturally want to feel her. That desire is so strong that you’re fooling yourself into believing she’s here.” I respect that view, even though I disagree with it. It’s logical. It’s what any good, skeptical person would say. I started out in life as a skeptic. I haven’t felt her presence in any regular sense, even though I so much love thinking about her and am overcome with emotion (positive ones, which is strange to me) right now. In fact, if you’re a critical thinker, it should be evidence to you that I’m not making things up BECAUSE I haven’t felt her in the very circumstances when I very much should be able to if I’m trying to convince myself of things that aren’t true. (But, I very much believe it is true that she is still around and doing Gods work with fervor). I’m not grieving (yet?) in the ways I would have earlier considered “normal.” That’s what I don’t get. From the science and psychology I know (I’m a psych undergrad), the grieving process doesn’t precisely describe what I’ve been experiencing lately. Maybe it does. That’s what I’d like your help on, if you’re interested. I don’t have time to research the intricate details of the various kinds of grieving and then compare and contrast it to what I’m going through. Maybe it goes under the shock and denial phase(s). But, I don’t feel shocked. I don’t feel anything close to denial (of course, people rarely do realize they’re in denial when they’re in denial. I realize that. But, I tell you, I don’t feel like I’m denying anything). I feel wonderful in a reverent way. I feel like I’m falling in love with Jamie all over again as I look at old pictures and think of our precious time together. Former memories and impressions are coming back to me from the time when she was similarly unavailable. She’s unavailable to me now because she’s passed on. She was unavailable to me for many years before she fell in love with me because she didn’t like me like that. During those times when she wasnt emotionally interested in me, I poured over pictures of her and listened to her voice in absolute awe and felt a very, very warm love for her. I’m feeling that way again. It’s sweet. I don’t feel sadness. I’m not regularly crying, weeping, or missing her. It may come, though. Right now I’m going to enjoy these feelings of what I’m certain are heavenly. Id still like to know from others, though, if what Im feeling right now is within the realm of what science would call acceptable. Or, is it truly a witness that there is definitely a higher power of exquisite goodness pervading the universe?
Posted on: Wed, 16 Jul 2014 14:13:42 +0000
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