“God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker, in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who wont tell you the rules, and who smiles ALL the time.” ― Terry Pratchett - Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch. . Sometimes, I think of those Gods from the movie who sat on clouds and amused themselves by throwing all sorts of curve balls at humanity. Lets see how they deal with THIS? Firstly, it must have been a bit of craic to make all the humans out of meat and bones, and then allow them to make machines. The meat made the machines ???? Oh, how they laughed. How did they come up with the idea of that? they asked. A small piece of pink matter, soft, fleshy, sitting inside the hard bone of their skulls controls everything - their basic motor skills, their functions, their dreams, AND the machines. And if it is knocked, or injured, or a white protein creeps all over it like limescale on a kettle, then the whole process goes belly up. It is 9 years since I shook my fist at the clouds and roared with temper. I see myself as meat in clothes. Whats the point? How does anyone have the Mirror of Mortality held up to them and not react in similar fashion? My visits confirm this every time. One of the known side effects for carers is that their own care falls away, the statistics are high for stress related illnesses and depression. Which may explain how I ground a tooth out of my own gum and had to have the roots removed. Ive never seen the like of it says the Dentist to his colleague and assistant as he stares at the X-ray. It has not stopped me eating sweets. Ill buy bigger clothes I think, and also that it is well to be able to. Well to I think a lot. (Pronounced welt-a ) Welt-a be able to get up in the morning and go for a walk - Welt-a be able to feed yourself - Welt-a be able to open your own bowels. The women I used to talk to about their lives, their children, their careers, are lying silently. One, who walked the halls nightly, wondering where all the fun stuff was happening, is sitting staring at the carpet now. They quieten, and reverse inwardly , to the small still centre of themselves where they take stock. She has made it as far as the porch but has stopped taking notes of the car registrations to give her a lift home. I take her cold hand and call her by her name, this woman who knew me as a child, who taught me, and tried not to snort out loud at the wildness of my more outrageous ideas. And I WAS wild, the enfant terrible, a lost cause. And now I am leading her back down the hall, reassuring, speaking in soft words and old familiar phrases, mentioning tea, guiding her into a soft seat with the rest of them, who do not even glance in our direction. They have that frightened confused look in their eyes that reminds me so much of Siobhan. It is invisible. The slowly creeping protein is invisible at first, but now I recognize it in the wide eyed stares, rabbits caught in headlights, so that when I chance across a photo online that someone has posted of their parent, my stomach lurches and I see IT looking back at me. Since the beginning I have been photographing, filming and documenting the stages in writing. Last night, while looking for something to read at the Fusion Coffee morning tomorrow, I found film footage of Siobhan walking. I sat and sobbed over the keyboard and thanked those very Gods that I have railed against - that in my orneryness and stubborn wildness - and contrary to my sisters demands that I put down the camera and give her a hand, that I carried on telling the story. It is gold dust, and we are stardust, and eternal. I need to remember this most of all. The Gods may throw a dice, their minds as cold as ice, and someone way down here, loses someone dear - Abba - Winner takes it All ps Terry Pratchett has Alzheimers
Posted on: Wed, 20 Nov 2013 19:43:33 +0000
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