“I wanna be the very best,” the song says. Unfortunately, for more than 15 years now, Ash Ketchum has been doing everything in his power to prove that’s not true. Maybe that’s unnecessarily harsh. Ash is only a 10-year-old, after all, and he can’t control the awful hand that the writers of the show have dealt him. But after his most recent failing in the Unova Pokemon League, it’s time to document the journey of one Ash Ketchum and where it all went wrong. Silly Ash! You can’t tap that! Kanto Ash stumbles through his first season as a rookie trainer with an out-of-control Pikachu, a cute friend who won’t leave him alone about her destroyed bike, a friend with no eyes who hits on everything that moves, and a trio that constantly follows him and tricks the group with cheap disguises. This is all well and good. Unfortunately, the gym leaders of the region hand Ash badges like they’re candy, so he learns nothing along the way. For example: *.AgainstBrock, he uses Pikachu against a ground type. This goes so poorly that he has to forfeit his first encounter, and he only wins the second time around because he accidentally destroys a sprinkler system and douses Onix in water, just as Brock was showing him mercy. *.AgainstMisty, Pikachu refuses to battle, so Ash is stuck without his electric type. But that’s okay, because Misty’s sisters want to give him the badge anyway without a fight. *.AgainstLt. Surge, Ash gets his ass kicked so badly by Raichu that he considers forcing Pikachu to evolve just to have a chance. But they figure something out (in what admittedly was a pretty cool battle) by using Pikachu’s speed, and actually win a fight for the first time. *.AgainstSabrina…god, where do I start. Sabrina starts the first fight with an Abra. That’s right. Unfortunately for Ash, it immediately evolves, meaning he can no longer win by default when Abra only knows Teleport. Instead, Kadabra kicks his Pikachu’s ass. So he goes to get a ghost type. In the process, his soul leaves his body and his friends are sad because they think he’s dead, but Ash doesn’t care — he just trolls Misty instead. In Round 2, Haunter refuses to battle, so Brock and Misty get turned into dolls because I don’t know why just go with it okay geez. In Round 3, Ash is getting dominated again when Haunter appears to make Sabrina laugh. Good enough for a badge! *.AgainstErika, Ash wins the first part of the fight with his Charmander (good so far), then tries to use Pikachu against a grass type (going downhill) before the gym lights on fire from Team Rocket’s meddling (no surprise there) and Erika gives Ash a badge for helping to put out the fire (don’t coddle him!). *.AgainstKoga, Ash actually almost earns a badge by using Charmander to defeat Koga’s Golbat. Sure, Koga doesn’t use more than one Pokemon or try any of the poison tactics he’s known for in the games, but that’s okay. Badge get! *.AgainstBlaine, the quiz master is up to his usual tricks, and so is Ash. His Squirtle is destroyed by Ninetales, his Charizard refuses to battle Rhydon, and then he sends in Pikachu. Against a ground type. Again. But wait! He kills Rhydon by targeting its horn or something! Yeah! But then Magmar ruins his day and Ash forfeits. He manages to win the rematch because Charizard decides to care and annihilates Magmar with the biggest Seismic Toss you’ve ever seen. *.Against…well, not againstGiovanni. Before Ash can get to the eighth gym leader, Gary tries his luck, and his reward is fighting a Mewtwo. Thanks for playing, Gary. Ash doesn’t have to fight Mewtwo, though, or even Giovanni — he gets Team Rocket, or as we like to call it, “here, just take this badge because they suck.”
Posted on: Fri, 16 Jan 2015 08:05:53 +0000
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