#Memorial: Joan #Rivers 23 Most Outrageous Celeb Insults! 1. On Kim #Kardashians infant daughter, North West: Rivers told an audience at the Saban Theatre in Beverly Hills this past January, That baby is ugly … Ive never seen a 6-month-old so desperately in need of a waxing. 2. On Gwyneth #Paltrow being named the worlds most beautiful woman by People magazine: Look at Gwyneth Paltrow being named the most beautiful this year. She got Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder to vote. 3. On Heidi #Klums 2013 Oscars dress: The last time a German looked this hot was when they were pushing Jews into the ovens. 4. On Mel #Gibson: As a Jew, I dont want to see Mel Gibson at a party. I dont want to run into him in the kitchen, because theres an oven in it, and Im afraid of what he might do. 5. On the late Whitney #Houston: I hate Houston. Its crawling with bugs… Oh, wait, thats Whitney Houston; Im sorry, my bad. (Can I just mention that Whitney looked fabulous at the Grammys? She was in mahogany from head to toe.) — From Riverss book I Hate Everyone … Starting With Me 6. On #Chelsea Handler and ex-boyfriend and former E! executive Ted Harbert: No. 1, the girl made it on her back f---ing the president, we all know that, of the network. No. 2, shes fine, shes ordinary. Shes not a genius. Shes an ordinary girl that was f---ing somebody high up in the industry and they gave her a break and shes doing OK. Whatever she is, shes a drunk. I dont wish her good luck, I dont wish her bad luck. I dont think shes particularly funny. 7. On Tommy Lee #Jones as a red carpet interviewee: He makes Hitler look warm and funny. 8. On Jennifer #Lawrence tripping when she walked onstage to accept her Oscar in 2013: It just dawned on me why Jennifer Lawrence fell on her way up to the stage to get her Oscar. She tripped over her own arrogance. 9. On #Angelina Jolies high-cut, leg-baring gown at the 2012 Oscars: Everyone took her to task with that photograph with the leg out, but to me it looked as if she had a terrible yeast infection and she was trying to air it out. 10. On #Rihanna: Rihanna confessed to Oprah Winfrey that she still loves Chris #Brown. Idiot! Now its MY turn to slap her. 11. On Willie #Nelson (a joke that, Rivers recently told Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live!, was one of the rare ones she dropped from her act because Nelsons daughter wrote her a letter telling her that the bit had caused her to be teased at school): He wears a Roach Motel around his neck. 12. On #Adele: Congratulations to Adele on the birth of her 68-pound, 8-ounces bouncing baby boy. 13. On Lindsay #Lohans many court appearances: Lindsay Lohan said she wouldnt mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor. 14. On #Elizabeth Taylor (a favorite Rivers target for years): Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.... Elizabeth Taylors so fat, she puts mayonnaise on her aspirins.... Her favorite food is seconds.... Mosquitoes see Elizabeth Taylor and scream, Buffet!.... Elizabeth Taylor pierced her ears and gravy ran out.... Elizabeth Taylor is wearing Orson Welles designer jeans.... Shes so fat, shes my two best friends. 15. On Kate #Winslet: If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk. 16. On Camilla #Parker Bowles (who, along with her husband, Prince Charles, became a close friend of Riverss): Camilla Parker Bowles is so ugly that at airports they make her frisk herself. 17. On Katie #Holmess acting skills in The Kennedys miniseries: Katie Holmes is not a very good actress. Did you see her try and play John F. Kennedys wife? She was so bad he shot himself in it. 18. On first lady Michelle #Obama (after calling President Obama gay): You know Michelle is a tranny. 19. On Kristen #Stewarts relationship with her Snow White and the Huntsman director, Rupert Sanders (which, Rivers told TMZ, prompted Stewart to threaten to sue her): Many stars only do one thing well. Of course, the best one-trick-pony is Kristen Stewart, who got a whole career by being able to juggle a directors balls. 20. On Princess #Dianas death: If you ever want to go to Paris, fly. Dont take the tunnel. 21. On Sarah #Palin: I think Sarah Palin is an amazing woman. I think she represents everything strong a woman can be, and I think she should go someplace, to another planet, to show them, and get out of our face. ... Theyre right to blame Sarah for the shootings [of former Arizona congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords]. 22. On Oprah #Winfrey (to Oprah, who said shed gained 50 pounds since winning a beauty contest, during an episode of The Tonight Show that Rivers was guest-hosting in 1985): You shouldnt let that happen to you! ... Youre a pretty girl, and youre single. You must lose the weight! 23. On Bo #Derek: Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldnt remember the lines.
Posted on: Fri, 05 Sep 2014 13:10:59 +0000
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