(Page 185) LION’S HEART, 1982 In these years, our preferred - TopicsExpress

(Page 185) LION’S HEART, 1982 In these years, our preferred method of birth control is the diaphragm. Rarely, we insert a contraband IUD or illegally prescribe oral contraceptives for a non-nursing mother if requested. We are still skeptical of the overall safety of these methods, so we mostly stay with the tried and true barrier methods; the “Frisbee” or condoms with spermicidal jelly. We fit women for diaphragms at four weeks postpartum, as many of our clients describe themselves as “ultra-fertile”. They claim they get pregnant if they get a drop of semen on their big toe. One such woman arrives with yet another unplanned pregnancy, her eighth. She is upset because she has been using her diaphragm religiously. She is confused as to how this could possibly happen. I ask her if she is sure she used it every single time. She replies, seriously, “I’m positive I used it every time because I had it tacked to my headboard so I wouldn’t forget.” Not long after this story, one of our clients comes for her yearly well-woman exam and Pap smear. She brings her two daughters who are in their early teens with her to her annual checkup. They are grinning at me like hyenas; they have an air of expectation about them. I find it a little odd that the girls are so psyched for their mom’s Pap smear. They are great kids, but they didn’t have this much anticipation even when their baby brother was born a couple of years ago. I am chatting small talk with their mom. The young women are standing next to me, giggling, as I insert the speculum. I open it to view the cervix. I scream, “AHHH!!” and jump straight up in the air. The girls are hysterical and laughing helplessly, rolling on the floor. For looking back at me from inside their mom’s vagina is a giant eyeball! Their mom wipes tears of mirth from her eyes. She stops gasping enough to tell me that the three of them conspired together. They painted a big, bloodshot eyeball on her diaphragm. Funny, really, very funny. I say, “Here’s looking at you, kids.” ~from LADYS HANDS, LIONS HEART, A MIDWIFES SAGA, Bad Beaver Publishing, 2010

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