**SHARING** Stand Strong, Sleep Sweet. I made it through first court session. I was there way too early, didn’t know divorce etiquette yet. I was okay. I felt a little anxious in the days before, but have been much worse. I shed a few pre-session tears, but none inside the doors. My ex greeted me with a fake kindness he hasn’t showed in three years. I am not sure what he was thinking, but a “Hi” just did not seem appropriate as you are waiting to go in and end a 40 year marriage. He showed lack of interest, lack of respect for the process or marriage, and honestly what should I have expected. When you see the same traits that were there the whole time, you can recognize them, but accepting them as not being crazy is difficult. Nothing much was determined, and we will try mediation, but the likelihood of that succeeding is less than my waking up 20 again. Thanks for listening to that, but that is not what I wanted to share. I talk often about the healing process and I am angry that I have to go through it. I also dance around PTSD because I do not want to be labeled and while I can see and understand the symptoms, it is, as the trauma that caused it, often unseen and misunderstood. I knew in that courtroom, as I struggled to control my emotions, that it is very real. I found myself doubting what I have been through, wanting to not say all the things he has done, to make excuses for him. Even after all this time and work I have done. I have lived his beliefs in our relationship and myself. I know that I cannot go there again, it destroyed so much. He will never see it or acknowledge it, but as I get stronger, I will know that is okay. I am afraid the court system will believe his lies, and I know that he will be making up more as we go along. He is cornered. He has fought with the advantage for so many years, because I would back down. Now, I do not have to, I may still be afraid, but I can handle that, I think. Next time will be a little easier, although I never want it to be too easy. I do feel sad that he has thrown away a lifetime of a family for his new needs. He won’t change, thank goodness I can.
Posted on: Thu, 29 May 2014 02:04:26 +0000
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