“Where are you moving?” I ask, holding the phone tight against my ear. “Texas.” He replies, nonchalant. He is a boy, or a man depending on the mood. “Texas? It’s nothing more than tumbleweed and dirt.” I say. I try to find a way to make him stay, but I know he won’t. “Well I love the dirt and weeds.” He realizes my tactic and switches the topic. “Will it hurt?” “Will what hurt?” I can’t hide the confusion nor the pain from the fact that I am about to lose him. I can hear him breathing hard and picture him crying behind a closed fist. A scene I’ve seen before—one I’d sworn never to speak of. He breaks the silence with a broken voice. “It hurts having to say goodbye to my friends, but I have no choice. I have to go.” “I know…” “Hey, I’ll be back someday. I promise.” “You better….” My last words to him. Our few months apart gradually turned into, “I haven’t heard from him in a while.” The years turned into a facebook message that read, “Did you hear what happened?” Dead. I used to think that Texas was a million miles away—the other side of the world in my mind. Now it seems like the next door neighbor that I never noticed until they moved away. A moving van is the same as a hearse. A waving hand, a curse. What are miles between two people when death is six feet of dirt and a gap that can never be taken back? Sometimes, I put the seashell of my past to my ear just to hear your voice again. I close my eyes and remember the way you smiled when you were up to no good. I see all of us, the perfect circle, hiding in a loading dock, telling jokes with cigarettes pressed between teeth or huddled beneath the rocks on the jetty, listening to the waves as they crashed against our hideout. I see me confessing to your shoulder, “I think I am gay.” And you whispering to the top of my head, “It’s okay. It’s okay.” I wish that I could show you—you were right. I am okay. I wish that you were not so far, far away. -Dedicated to my friend, Josh, and my other friends that will never forget the days we spent in Lexington. I miss them too. :)
Posted on: Sat, 24 May 2014 18:16:41 +0000
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