(warning long post if you gotta comment on that read the last line) My Thoughts on 2014 Ya know, there were a lot of highs and lows this past year in my life. Losing my Mom in May set the world upside down for a time. Not even 30 days hardly before her we lost her dear brother a beloved Uncle who was always there for his siblings. I did not realizee just how much of a best friend Momma had become for me until she was no longer there. The paradigm shift in life is funny that way. Mom had a way of letting each of her children prattle on when we needed to talk never telling us to shut up just listening to our hearts as we spoke. She loved each of her family members deeply. There was NEVER a competition for her to love each of us. She had 4 differently dynamic children and Moms heart was big enough for all 4 she loved us in our own uniqueness. If there was any competition in that it was brought on by an outside force who loves to kill, steal, and destroy rather than bring people together the way God intended. Yes he knows our weakness and uses that to full advantage. Either way my love for my family remains intact just taking some different approaches on all that with my mentor by my side. Anywho back to this past year. Changing jobs in the middle of her illness (huge mistake), and then there is the craziness that follows after someone dies and we all can probably guess the craziness I am talking about. I stumbled along the way and there were days I felt that if I had to get out of the bed and face anyone it was just to much. Yet I grabbed at the resilience my bloodline had taught me put on my my big gurl panties and did the best I could do given some circumstances beyond my control that had surrounded me. Now that the dust has settled and I am settling into my new home. I look back at all the people who stood by me, came and held me when I needed it and flat listened to me rant on, on those days when I needed to get it out or I was gonna implode. They did so with love and well some days not much patience left yet they held on because they knew the miracle that lies within my faith and the steps I know when I AM READY not at anyone elses pace but my own I rise up and move when the spirit says go, not when someone who is trying to control things beyond their human strength is trying to move people like chess pieces on a board. One of my fondest memories of this year is looking back to the day at the funeral home when several of my closest friends came there and either stood, sat, or hovered in the background standing vigil over me and knowing when I needed a break they took me by the hand and either escorted me out of the crowd or sat me down for yes even a laugh in the saddest days of my life. You angels know who you are and my heart is indebted to you. Yes your pics are included lol. For those who came and stood off not saying a word to me, because you knew you had said something that was just flat wrong about a family you knew nothing of distance is your best option, judging another mans heart that you dont know and making statements that hurt people deeply that you are supposed to love in the blood of Christ is not correct by any stretch of the imagination. I think there is a passage in the great book that says dont judge least ye be judged..... It was from this great man and woman that this huge passel of grandchildren and great-grandchildren were born so bare that in mind as you trace your steps around this bloodline for your very spouse and children come from this line and it is a proud one. For the others of you who choose to at any point be around me and not say a word to me just remember there were some dark days in your lives where I stood by and kept vigil. No matter what the circumstances that found their way into any of our lives as of late Family is family and we should love one another. Again there is he who is out to kill, steal, and destroy and yes silence is one of his best tools. I love you guys for better or worse but hey that just me. Guess Mom and Daddy were pretty good teachers after all. I dont recall either one of them ever saying your not welcome and I dont love you anymore Onward Ho..... As much as some one would just love to wave a magic wand over someone else and say this is what you gotta do, what you gotta feel, and I expect no less from you right now, those people dont get it. They talk from the sidelines because they have never had to get down in the trenches and fight something that has many people by the throat and until you yourself battle the disease do not talk to me about how to fix it move on if you will but dont talk to me about what you dont know. Being around someone who suffers from it and yes we cause pain to others at times is way different than being the one with the illness. Bare that it in mind as you make those judgement calls again read that really big book it has many instructions on judging others. With that being said, I have many many moments in this past year in which I can be proud of. 1. I kept my promise to my Daddy on his deathbed that my Momma would never go to a nursing home. 2. That so called new job that was gonna be so great was one where I had got tore down self esteem wise by the new doc and one day I had enough. He said 2 things to me on the phone you just dont say. I pulled the phone away from my ear looked at that big red button on the Iphone and said I love me more than that. I punched that button and grabbed up out of the clinic I was working in all the stuff that was his. Got in my Jeep and drove 25 miles to where he was and dumped that load of BS in his lap. I stood over him demanding the 60.00 he had owed me for weeks on the cellphone he had me purchase for his office. He was not going to relent so I stayed within his line of vision standing my ground for 4 more hours. Finally he threw the 60.00 to someone to give me and I walked away with my dignity and self esteem in tact. Lesson learned there is that not all money is good money and to what expense do we chase the all mighty dollar????? 3. 2 days later my ex-employer that I had left called me back. Their hearts had remained open and moving forward I not only have him but another new doc in the practice that is amazing. I am having the privilege to help him build his new practice and both these men and my co-workers are the bomb. 4. Bought the new Jeep. 5. I have got my new place with the help of someone although guarded stands vigil, but knows me all to well. It is a mutual respect and I love him for it. 5. My mentor has helped me to put boundaries up that no one is allowed to cross until express permission is given by that mentor and I have no say so other than yes and no, because this person loves me enough to know that some of the people who should be my closest allies can be a stumbling block, because my love for them ran deeper and trying to help them fix their lives had in some ways became delusional for me. They need to fix themselves I have hung up my Captain Save a Person cape.... Yes once again. So with all that being said, I am looking forward to the next phase of my life. The gap that losing my mother has left is slowly being filled with relearning who I am as a person. Opening my heart to hear others pain not just my own, but realizing hearing their pain and fixing it are 2 different things. I love my family deeply yes even craziness, happiness, sadness and all. If my 2 amazing parents taught me anything at all it is this. NO MATTER WHAT COMES YOUR WAY AND NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU GET KNOCKED DOWN YOU GET YOUR AZZ BACK UP AND KEEP MOVING. I talk often to a couple of my Moms dearest friends and they both remind me just how proud of me my mother was in the finally years we had together and no one can take that honor from me. It was my privilege and my honor to spend 6 amazing one on one years with my Mother and my Daddy always knew no matter what I loved him, because eventually I began to fight that war along side him and many others and there is hope even when the days seem the darkest the sun always comes back out. After all I am one of Gene and Mary Hogans goats and that my friends and family is a high honor no one can take away. (note for anyone who tells me that this post was long winded you wont like my answer so keep that comment to yourself I needed to share) Thank you for your understanding.
Posted on: Sun, 26 Oct 2014 19:18:14 +0000
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