1/1/14 11:48pm Update from Michael: Charlsie Swadley is still at Kindred in stable condition. According to the neurologist she has not improved much if any. I havent seen much improvement either. They are giving her Morphine and that has helped her calm down tremendously and rest. Otherwise she looks like she is in unbearable pain. A couple of days ago she bit her bottom lip really bad. Its so difficult to think about her while Im in my bed at home not in pain. As her husband Im responsible for protecting her from stuff like this. I dont want her to suffer like this anymore!!! How long do I make her suffer like this? There is always that glimmer of hope that she could get better in a month or 10 years. This is good lesson on the Sovereignty of God. The biblical truth that God is 100% in control of everything that happens to us. After all if He wasnt in control of every molecule that wouldnt make Him God. Im not taking a fatalistic approach, because man is also responsible for his actions. Both are in the bible. If I didnt believe that God was fully in control of this entire situation I would be a complete mess! The alternative is that God is in heaven holding His breath hoping that just a few more people would pray so He could heal her. Or that we are somehow responsible because we didnt have enough faith or that we sinned too much. Besides thats too much condemnation to carry, I tried it when we lost our first baby years ago. So then there is the real possibility that God will not heal my wife, which Im ok with and not ok with. I have been forced to mourn her these last 3 weeks cause she is not here. Sure every little thing reminds me of her. Even where I plugged my phone in to charge, or what side of the bed she sleeps on. Or she wouldnt want the kids watching this show. I can easily choke up and write for days on how she was my only true love at 20 years old, but I dont have strength to cry right now. So now the question is how long do we make her suffer? Who are we making her suffer for? ME?? It eats me up to think of her in there. She has heaven and 3 babies to look to. Or she could recover to a state where she could look around the room and make expressions in ?? months. She would need her diaper changed of course. She would rip my arm off if I kept her around like that if she could. Of course there are those stories of that one person that was just like Charlsie that was in a comma for x days and recovered and is fully functional. My wife is not in a comma, she is in a vegetative state. I dont mean to offend anyone, Im just baring my soul. This is an almost constant inner struggle that Im dealing with. Then there is the condemnation that comes because Im doubting and not in agreement for Charlsies healing. Thank God for R.C. Sprouls book Chosen by God. Anyway, this is why i havent posted an update in a while because these thoughts that I have will offend some and alienate others i guess. The guilt that comes with them is not easily shouldered and must be shrugged off at every turn. If you have a spouse or a parent you need to have a detailed conversation about this stuff. Its a curse that come with modern medicine. Better yet fill out your living will. I will not make my children walk very far down this valley of the shadow of death if I can help it. On a happy note: we had an amazing dinner brought by some neighbors. It had traditional black eyed peas, collard greens, ham, sweet potatoes, and muffins. It was awesome! I even had a ham sandwich before bed. Cant wait to wake up and eat a muffin.
Posted on: Fri, 02 Jan 2015 19:13:06 +0000
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