1:[Pics are numbered] Imagine the biggest, meanest, most badass evil diabolical butt-kicking spine-crushing insane-o demon you can possibly think of. Then multiply that by infinity and you get SATAN, the Lord of All Evil and Infernal Ruler of Hell. And presumably nothing could possibly be more badass than Lucifer, the Morning Star, the King of All Evil Unholy Spikey-Headed Pissed-Off Devils and his host of demon spawn. So he should be the Badass of the Week for crying out loud because hes the Prince of Eternal Darkness right? Wrong. In recent years, the term Angel has become more of less synonomous with pussy. It conjures up images of disproportionately huge-breasted ninety-pound lingerie-clad Victorias Secret models having pillowfights in the clouds while innocent-looking fat kids play the harp and blow kisses at butterflies and rainbows or fly around on their white wings and shoot love arrows at teenage couples having picnics in the park on sunny summer afternoons or some other such fruity crap. Well people tend to forget that the most hardcore of all Harley-riding, heavy metal-listening, battle-axe wielding, cocaine-snorting bastards got his shit annihilated by the biggest badass of all the Archangels. Just to refresh your memory, the story goes like this: Once upon a time Lucifer was this high-ranking Angel who didnt think he was getting the props he deserved so he decided he was going to start kicking some ass and try to see if he could run the show himself. He recruited one-third of all the Angels in Heaven to join up with him David Koresh-style and try to overthrow the big man upstairs. So one day God and everybody are chilling out and this insane-o mofo demon busts through the pearly gates ready to kick asses and making the lesser angels (the fat kids and VS models) piss themselves: 2: Crap!! everybody thinks theyre totally stuffed because look at this big animal. Hes a huge red monster with gleaming talons and spikes covering one-third of his body and glowing eyes and he looks PISSED. But instead of handing over St. Peters keys like some kind of carjacking victim, God takes one look at this thing and is just like, Mike, show this douchebag the door. The Archangel Michael calmly nods his head, cracks his knuckles and confidently strides towards Lucifer. 3: Michael doesnt just whip Lucifers ass, he completely humiliates him by slamming him face-first to the turf and then stepping on his head for no reason..Just for the fun of it. I mean, Michael has huge wings so he doesnt even need to set foot on the ground for any reason, but hes badass enough to know that when youre bashing the Prince of Darkness shit up royally for messing with your boss, you might as well get your digs in there and add to the humiliation of his defeat. In case you didnt notice, Michaels not even breaking a sweat here either. Hes just that hardcore. But maybe its not enough for you that Mike is the only living entity to ever defeat the living embodiment of Pure Evil in single combat. Well according to Hebrew, Christian and Muslim myth, hes not only credited with kicking Lucifers ass but also whipping several other lesser Devils asses as well. For instance when the Demon Belial, the Angel of Darkness and the Patron of Idolatry, flipped out Antichrist-style and proclaimed himself to be the Messiah who do you think had to step in and Layeth the Almighty Smacketh Down?. Belial and his army, the Sons of Darkness, met up with Michael and his Sons of Light and they had an old-school throwdown. 4: Michael, the patron saint of getting crap done, went off and started kicking asses all over the place, tearing the Demon Belial up and wrecking his stupid Army of Wimps (Michaels term for them, not mine). He was so insane in the battle that he even beat fifteen fiery demons to death with their own arms. But thats not even the end of it. According to the Kabbalah the fallen Seraphim Samael, the Angel of Death and the Demon of Lust and Wrath, tried to start crap with Moses and the Israelites while they were trolling around in the desert with the Ark of the Covenant. Once again Michael is the dude who has to step in and stomp some faces. He shows up and tells Samael that he better pack up and get out of Dodge while he still has the use of his appendages but Samael keeps talking crap so Michael finally agrees to face him man to man in a one-on-one duel. 5: Yeah, that demon doesnt look too happy. But thats what you get for messing with the Big M. You get your dam neck stepped on so hard that your eyes bug out of your head. Michael goes out and battles all these crazy demons, fallen angels and dudes who have names that sound like they should be crappy Scandinavian death metal album titles, and he manages to ruin their collective asses like a ten foot-tall soccer hooligan in an albino nerd-filled mosh pit at E3. Oh, and then he steps on their heads to prove how hard he is. LoL In addition to being the big mans personal enforcer, Michael is the patron of Chivalry and Knightly Orders, which is badass. Hes also the Defender of Justice, the Healer of the Sick, the Shepherd of the Righteous and an all-around kickass dude in all three major Abrahamic traditions. Now Id be remiss in making Satan the Badass of the Week while not giving credit to the guy who Pedigreed him Triple H-style onto a bed of tacks and then stepped on his stupid head. I mean if you can honestly look at that ridiculous picture of Michael desecrating Lucifers unconscious body like a passed out jock at a frat party and tell me that Satans the most badass mythological creature ever, then theres something wrong. God knows what hes doing. Hes got the best of the best on his side!
Posted on: Wed, 22 Jan 2014 21:09:33 +0000
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