1. They dont have any debt except for a mortgage and student loans. OK. And Im vegan except for bacon-wrapped steak. 2. Earnings were positive before one-time charges. This is Wall Streets equivalent of, Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play? 3. Earnings missed estimates. No. Earnings dont miss estimates; estimates miss earnings. No one ever says the weather missed estimates. They blame the weatherman for getting it wrong. Finance is the only industry where people blame their poor forecasting skills on reality. 4. Earnings met expectations, but analysts were looking for a beat. If youre expecting earnings to beat expectations, you dont know what the word expectations means. 5. Its a Ponzi scheme. The number of things called Ponzi schemes that are actually Ponzi schemes rounds to zero. Its become a synonym for thing I disagree with. 6. The [thing not going perfectly] crisis. Boy who cried wolf, meet analyst who called crisis. 7. He predicted the market crash in 2008. He also predicted a crash in 2006, 2004, 2003, 2001, 1998, 1997, 1995, 1992, 1989, 1984, 1971... 8. More buyers than sellers. This is the equivalent of saying someone has more mothers than fathers. Theres one buyer and one seller for every trade. Every single one. 9. Stocks suffer their biggest drop since September. You know September was only six weeks ago, right? 10. Were cautiously optimistic. Youre also an oxymoron. 11. [Guy on TV]: Its time to [buy/sell] stocks. Who is this advice for? A 20-year-old with 60 years of investing in front of him, or a 82-year-old widow who needs money for a nursing home? Doesnt that make a difference? 12. Were neutral on this stock. Stop it. You dont deserve a paycheck for that. 13. Theres minimal downside on this stock. Some lessons have to be learned the hard way. 14. Were trying to maximize returns and minimize risks. Unlike everyone else, who are just dying to set their money ablaze. 15. Shares fell after the company lowered guidance. Guys, they just proved their guidance can be wrong. Why are you taking this new one seriously? 16. Our bullish case is conservative. Then its not a bullish case. Its a conservative case. Those words mean opposite things. 17. We look where others dont. This is said by so many investors that it has to be untrue most of the time. 18. Is [X] the next black swan? Nassim Talebs blood pressure rises every time someone says this. You cant predict black swans. Thats what makes them dangerous. 19. Were waiting for more certainty. Good call. Like in 1929, 1999 and 2007, when everyone knew exactly what the future looked like. Cant wait! 20. The Dow is down 50 points as investors react to news of [X]. Stop it, youre just making stuff up. Stocks are down and no one knows why is the only honest headline in this category. 21. Investment guru [insert name] says stocks are [insert forecast]. Go to Morningstar. Look up that gurus track record against their benchmark. More often than not, their career performance lags an index fund. Stop calling them gurus. 22. Were constructive on the market. I have no idea what that means. I dont think you do, either. 23. [Noun] [verb] bubble. (Thats a sarcastic observation from investor Eddy Elfenbein.) 24. Investors are fleeing the market. Every stock is owned by someone all the time. 25. We expect more volatility. There has never been a time when this was not the case. Let me guess, you also expect more winters? 26. This is a strong buy. What do I do with this? Click the mouse harder when placing the order in my brokerage account? 27. He was tired of throwing his money away renting, so he bought a house. He knows a mortgage is renting money from a bank, right? 28. This is a cyclical bull market in a secular bear. Vapid nonsense. 29. Will Obamacare ruin the economy? No. And get a grip.
Posted on: Sat, 15 Nov 2014 09:14:59 +0000
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