10 minutes @ 2 X 18kg Long Cycle. 53 reps. 56% of my body weight. These past couple of days have been crushing to my mind and spirit at moments. I say at moments because I am fortunate (odd choice of words some may think) enough to have experienced extremely horrifying and challenging events in my life. Some I can mention and some I wont. Just Wednesday night I was looking at a picture of my younger brother, whos friendship I miss deeply and at times its tormenting, and I was thinking about how tough his 5 years with cancer was. The battle for both him and my family took us to the farthest lengths mentally and emotionally. To this day I have visions of wiping the bubbles of blood off of his mouth after his took his last breaths. I hear his voice and see his eyes when he looked right up and into my eyes and told me I am going to die today and then dropped his gaze to the floor in acceptance. My heart rips when I hear and see his face as he turned around in the car to look at me in the back seat of the car on the way to the hospital and yell Save me Jen! Jen save me! repeatedly as his mind was going in and out from reality. Looking at that picture made me grateful because that was only 5 years of pain and uncertainty, out of many others circumstances that I have experienced at far too young of an age. It made me think about how happy and safe I feel in the life that I have created for myself. I even stopped to share my thoughts with Vice and told him how I feel like I live a completely different life now from the stressful and traumatizing experiences I had from my very youngest years and into my late 20s. I told him that I never want to go back to feeling that daily fear, sadness and anxiety. The very next day things changed. I often think of the expression not to ask to have your load lightened but rather to have stronger shoulders to bear the load that you are given. I also think of how often we are told that we need bad times in our lives to appreciate the good. In response to the second thought: I must say that when you live in fearful situations for the majority of your life, you dont need any more to remind you just how good your present life is. I know how lucky I am - to have a loving and supportive partner, Vice, who lives and breathes my values, dreams and goals, to have members and friends that I genuinely feel privileged to train and coach and to have a business that I can fill with the love, energy and the feeling of safety and support that I always wanted and that everyone deserves. In regards to the first expression: I strongly believe that with love, any type of love, we can overcome any obstacles that we are given. I also believe that the body and our emotions respond to our minds. Our bodies and emotions shut down or explode when our minds give them the power to do so. I am 33 years old but I have seen and experienced more than I care to mention and way more than I wish on anyone else. What I have learned from this is that I am strong - my mind is strong and I understand its power. We are all strong if we choose to be. Even if we dont feel like being strong anymore, it is still within us. This set for me was my way of reminding myself of the power that the mind, that my mind, holds. That we can be in pain and keep going. That when the body says it wants to shut down, when it feels like you have nothing left, when you feel like your insides are ripping out, there is pain, discomfort and aching in every inch of your body - it doesnt mean that you are done. It is what you are willing to endure for what you want. When I want something I will endure pain, suffering and discomfort. I will NOT BE BROKEN. Two weeks ago I tried lifting the 18kg bells and could do them for 2 minutes. Last week it blew my mind when I could do them for 6 minutes!!! This was a 10 minute set. I knew having only done 6 minutes at the most previously that the odds were against me that I could complete 10 minutes. I knew before I started that going into this endeavor I would experience a lot of pain. It hurt by the third minute. I was already getting winded. I slowed down and set under the bells and just quietly listened and felt the discomfort spreading everywhere. In the 6th minute, where the bell handles sit in my hand/wrist bones, aching set in more and more with every passing second. The rest of the set was practically agony but I didnt stop because I needed a reminder of just how much I can hold on when I want something and I wanted to lift these bells for a proper 10 minute set. Monday will determine the next year for Vice and myself but it will not determine our forever. I want Vice and I will go through whatever it takes to have him. For those who have been worrying about us, thank you for your touching love and support (it tears me up repeatedly throughout the day) but you do not need to worry for us. With love all things are possible and we believe in us
Posted on: Sat, 20 Sep 2014 17:13:58 +0000
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