11 months today honey. With the transition from summer to autumn I feel much like the weather that cant make up its mind. Filled with uncertainly of what the next hour will bring. Sunshine and warmth or cloudy and storms. Calm and still or howling bitter wind. I used to welcome autumn like an old friend that I have missed. It brought me comfort and warmth like settling in to a favorite leather chair with a fire and the soft afternoon glow. Filled with traditions, familiar scents, sights and sounds. Now all of these traditions hurt so much. Some I avoid; parish festivals, the fair, Renaissance Festival, apple orchards, and most all fall activities we did together. Some are all around me and cannot be ignored; the change in weather, the chill in the air, the leaves on the ground, school starting, homecoming, the school buses and the time getting ready to change. With each of these there is a deep pain and disbelief that you are not here to enjoy them. Now as I am faced with the transition from autumn to winter and the anniversary of your death and your birthday I feel a great need to burrow myself into a deep hole, a core of safety where I can protect myself from all of the cold, storms and darkness that will grope their way up the walls looking for a way in. This deep hole is where I have retreated much over the last 11 months. I have found time does not change this. I find myself now needing this protection as much as I did at times throughout the last 11 months. Time has not changed how much I miss you, if nothing else, it makes me miss you more. These two photos; one taken last autumn. A beautiful evening before dinner with shared joy and laughter in the comfort of autumn. The other sums up exactly how I feel about time and how it has changed nothing. What has changed everything is death and with it the certainty that things will never be the same again. I love you honey. I miss you.
Posted on: Sat, 04 Oct 2014 19:24:05 +0000
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