18 years ago when I moved back here there were people I didnt want to run into. At all. People who scared me. I immediately ran into the person on the top of the list. And heart thumping, short of breath, chest constricted, tears welling, mouth dry and feeling really really small, I said hello. The encounter was polite, brief and ...empty Over the years Ive practiced walking towards my fears. On the other side of fear is freedom. Each small step is practice in overcoming habits formed before I understood the why Then today, same store, same person, same bottomless feeling. And this time, I turned my cart around, choose a different isle and avoided saying hello. What is this telling me? I thought I was over caring so much about what other people thought of me. Apparently not so. When I sit with the moment, I recognize that feeling of not enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not styled enough, not dressed well enough, not coupled enough. Not exactly rational conscious thinking. Where did I go at that moment? The little mini me inside is remembering the feeling of long past rejections and by turning away, Im saving myself from having that rejection and hurt validated and repeated. Id be lying if I pretended there were not people who have rejected me, whose forgiveness and acceptance would mean a great deal. Intellectually I am no longer willing to place my dreams or happiness in anyone elses hands. I do not need to wait for their approval, or acceptance. I have the privilege to choose mySelf To accept myself as I am Next time Ill take a deep breath in, smile, and say Hello
Posted on: Sat, 15 Nov 2014 02:07:54 +0000
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