19/09/2014 Hi Everyone, Here is the last part of Ann Bale’s article of her Interview with Deborah Ware, published in ‘The Living Document’ Volume 2 Winter 2004. Please enjoy. Interviewer: So you had lost both your brother - whom you loved dearly - and also your place in the family? What did you do to help you process and work through those deep losses? Deborah: Initially I felt I needed to move back to Canada, with my husband. I thought that would help me to find my place in the family - but it didnt really help. I think that was because it was easier for the others in the family to accept Dans death and then move on - because they were not Dans twin. Thus they had a separate place and identity within the family. I had to try and carve one out - and my sense of loss was more overwhelming and personal (because Dan and I were twins). I also thought it would help if I had my own children and we could move back to Canada as a family, as a separate but complete entity. And certainly that has helped: it gave me a stronger identity as a wife and mother, so Im at a different stage in life now. And my sons have brought a lot of joy back into my life. Saying that, I still have times when I grieve... because no- one can ever take Dans place. Interviewer: How do you deal with the intense grief that hits you still, twelve years after Dans death? Deborah: I take a couple of days out a year just to remember and grieve for Dan. One of those days is our birthday. I dont celebrate birthdays anymore because that was something Dan and I always shared. Also, it hurts to think of time passing for me when it stopped for him - at age 29. I cant believe it was twelve years ago: it feels as if it was only yesterday. The other day I set aside to mourn is the anniversary of Dans death. Those are Dans two days - and then I get back to my life as it is, here and now, as a wife and mother. I never let the sadness slip over into depression. But I still need to mourn the loss of my twin - because the pain is still there. Interviewer: So the pain is still real but you are able to face it, lay it aside and then continue with life? Deborah: Yes, I dont think I will ever stop grieving for Dan. However, I dont want that to overshadow my relationships with my husband and sons. If anything, it has taught me how precious those relationships are because you dont know when life might end, so you need to treasure the time that you have with each other. From this interview it can be seen that Deborahs loss has been marked by stages or phases of grief that are recycled from time to time. These have helped Deborah process, accept and integrate the death of her twin. Although Deborah has been able to establish a meaningful life, separate from her twin, the pain of his death still stings and, to this extent, grief is indeed cyclical despite the fact that it is faced and worked through. The interviewer (Ann Bale) would like to express her thanks and appreciation to Deborah Ware. Please “Like and Share” it. Best Wishes Cornelia Tews Institute of Counselling 40 St Enoch Sq Glasgow G1 4DH instituteofcounselling.org.uk
Posted on: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 14:47:43 +0000
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