1st off God is good and thank you Grandma if it wasnt for you id most likely be dead by now your affection deditcation acceptance truth care guidence unconditional and genuine love is what kept me believing to keep on trying and its u who made me feel worthy my angel on earth is what you are. And thank you for everything. Today after court i went to see about my son at juvinille he is no longer there but after talking with them up there this is what further promt me to write, and purge my soul.Since i cant get family that is on a personal basis hands on that dealing with and is apart of his process and or progress talk to me about whats going on wit my kids more then on a shallow level If at all, thats why i wanted to do the family counsling and monthly meetings which was approved by the institution as long as our po approved it of course my son was OK with it he is the one that informed me about them and ask me to come it took me at least 3 month to be approved for the family monthly meetings but when i showed for the 1st time it was my last time i thought it all went well but clara wasnt suportive of me participating and thought it was best i only did visits which closed the doors automatically for me to take my son off campus for any outings alone but it would be OK for me to be around him when she got him yet when she got never not once did she call me and bring him to see me Nydrells my son would call me the day before or the day of and say mom Im going on a outing and Id show up oh and trust I asked sissy if she would share since i automatically cant if i dont participate in the monthly groups I tried to but was blocked if sissy was truely supportive of me and my sons relationship i would have never been denied unless i did something to violate the system once approved it kills me because she dont care enough to inform me ever about him ever unless I ask and even then I feel as if i gotta probe information I can guarantee that his father is updated even on the simplest things concerning him. It hurts and I want to say more but Ill just say that my son is just as important to me as he may be to anyone else, remember against all odds I CHOSE to have him without question. It hurts me that any she would seems to think what goes on with him isnt important to me or any of my concern I refuse to keep begging and asking why or will u. First off I shouldnt have to outside the fact he is MY son were suppose to be family, it kills me the system helps and shares more about my son status where abouts progress his program with me then she has or will and I dont have custody of him nor have I ever hurt him or allowed any one else to hurt either one of my kids to be truthful Im deathly protective over my kids outside Im a recovering addict n Ive been in prison. Its amazing how all this time a finger hasnt been lifted on her behalf to try and keep me and my kids bonded not even as simple as sending me a picture, yet opposed to that have worked so hard to pinpoint or tried to find faults in why Im not a worthy mother even to the point where the most depraved , vile accusation were made about me all false of course pointing fingers at me but remember 3 is always pointing back the opposite area Im sorry I cant put a bandaid on the wound any longer I wont especially when Im under handedly being stabbed in that wound any way possible cant help but to think you want to see me break and and or give up trust me Ive thought about it on numerous accounts in more then one way but Im bigger then that and I love too hard yes even you which is why I carry and carried it all taking the blame and getting less then the minimal from you no matter how bad it hurt. How can I not feel hated I can care less how much u say u want or think its Important and u want me and my son to bond your actions say and make me feel disconnected such as you telling me u werent getting my son for his birthday but u did even with giving u the benefit of the doubt that u didnt know that u would be able to take him on an outing when u did get him how come I wasnt invited to go fishing with you for his birthday? Yet others were and of course his dad was able to enjoy his birthday with him, me and my son have the same birthday so its hard too believe that u forgot plus I asked u specifically about a week prior, Im just Givin an example of one of the smaller things thats been done to make me feel despised. Im trying to forgive and heal and in order for me to finally and fully heal outside of giving it to God is by bringing it to the light and accepting I cant make you love me and my heart is to big to consciously hurt any of my family despite what I may have said before out of anger or hurt. I rather kill myself and believe it or not i fought hard within myself to give myself reason to live when i felt i had none its only by the grace of God Im still here. I refuse to continue be self destructive to myself due to my hurts hang ups or mishaps that also includes anything or anyone today I chose to put God 1st do my best to walk in his light as well as uproot and bring to the light what is hurting me humbly accepting things as is and leaning on God to see me thru he is bigger then all of us and bigger then my situations. Today i truly know this so i chose to solely depend on him i will trade in it all people places and things No one or nothing is exempt if i can just have God. He is gonna heal me hes already doing it because today i got a story to tell and Im telling it kuz i lived it All i been through has been for a reason God has an expected end for me and i plan to receive it. Now I may fall plenty more times but who can be against me if God is for me Im confident that what I been thru is bigger than me its now for Gods glory and Im gonna do my best to walk in it. I been fighting this battle alone and I dont have to if I let go and let God. When I say alone Im not at all under minding the love help n support that I have received from family, friend and even strangers yes Ive poured my heart and told my story and hurts with complete strangers before now im gonna share it with the world hoping that maybe it will help someone else . Theres a lot of people out there that needs to hear my story so they can find there expected end that the most high has for them on earth theres a lot of young woman and men stuck in one place because of what they been through in life and not knowing how to deal with it , or even worse keeping whatever it may be a secret due to shame , guilt, embarrassment, remourse, or feeling unworthy people tend to try and hide things inside that theyve done or been thru in life which is fine but if keeping it in is killing you not healing you then its poison and eventually you will die from it know because I was her. Again i only write to purge my soul never to blame, convict or upset anyone although the deliverance or whats said may at times sting thats because the truth hurts and I will always give the truth as i know it. Aint nothing a secret with me so I speak. The dirty truth and clean lies is my story my life my memoir.
Posted on: Tue, 30 Sep 2014 05:39:21 +0000