2 Weeks & 1 Day ago Feb 1, 2013 My Dear Henry, It has been two weeks and one day since you passed away. I struggle everyday to survive. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. I woke up from a nightmare and then could not go back to sleep. All I can think about is you. I cry and blame myself, thinking maybe there was more I could have done to save you. Logically I understand that everyone says there was nothing more I could have done. I do not know if I fully have accepted the fact that there was nothing more I could have done though. You were my miracle baby. We wanted you for so long and were so happy to be pregnant.You took 8 years to come into our lives and I did everything I could to get you here safely. I got off all my medications and did regular check ups. You seemed to be a perfectly healthy baby boy who was very active. We made it 29 weeks and 6 days with you. Then Jan 17 hit. I fell asleep feeling you kick on Jan 16 around 11:00 p.m. and woke up at 12:08 feeling like I was having a heart attack. We went to the hospital, thinking maybe it was heartburn or something and by 3:00 a.m. they told us you had no heart beat. My blood pressure was 220/165 (normal is 120/80) and my liver counts were 370 (normal is 5-10). You were born and pronounced dead at 8:50 a.m. via an emergency c-section. Things were foggy as I was very sick and felt very toxic. Doctors were more worried about me then you, and I was more worried about you then me. I never saw you in the operating room, but your daddy did. He told me later that he cried when he saw you and he touched you. You felt warm, he said. My mom said that when your daddy came back to the room he looked white and pale. They asked me once I was back in a room if I wanted to hold you. I was not sure how to handle you. I know this sounds stupid, but I did not want to break you or hurt you in any way. You looked so much like me and I just kept waiting for you to cry out or open your eyes. My beautiful baby boy, in my arms and no sounds. Doctor told me the cord had been wrapped twice around your neck, but that I had developed a very sudden syndrome called HELLP and that was more than likely what killed you. They kept reassuring me that there was nothing I could have done, but deep down I felt guilty. I still feel guilty that MY body that created you was the same body that killed you. I had just mailed out your baby shower invites the day before and now you were gone. All I ever wanted to be was a mother. Someone sent me this poem after you passed and sometimes I get comfort from it. But then I wonder if I really am a mother. I never heard you cry, or breathe air. I feel like I did not get to you in time and I hope you did not struggle. That is my biggest fear, that you struggled or were in pain. Here is the poem: I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to god today, I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say , a mother has a baby this we know is true, but god can you be a mother when your baby is not with you ? Yes you can he replied, with confidence in his voice, I give so many women babies when they leave is not there choice, some I send for a lifetime others for a day, and some I send to fill the womb, but there’s no need to stay, I just don’t understand this god I want my baby here, he took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear, I wish I could show you what your child is doing today, if you could see your child smile with other children and say ”we go to earth and learn our lessons, of love, life and fear, my mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here, I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me, I learned my lesson very quickly my mommy set me free, I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day, when she goes to sleep on her pillow is where I lay, I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear ”mommy don’t be sad today I’m your baby and I’m here , so you see my dear sweet one your children are ok, your babies are here in my home and this is where they’ll stay, they’ll wait for you with me untill your lesson is through, and on the day that you come home they’ll be at the gates for you, so now you see what makes a mother, its the feeling in your heart, its the love you had so much of right from the very start ♥ ♥
Posted on: Thu, 16 Jan 2014 03:46:09 +0000
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