2 yrs ago I lost you Griffin. We didnt even get to kiss you or say goodbye. The drs were already working on removing you from the ECMO machine, and even after you passed they finished everything up, we had no idea you were gone. We sat there watching, waiting to get to go say hello, but instead, we were greeted by solemn faces and the surgeon, telling us you fought hard but just couldnt fight anymore. My knees were weak, my body numb, the room was spinning. I couldnt believe what I just heard, and I went to you, looking, praying, begging for a miracle, my hand on your chest, and my heart shattered in pieces. No, this isnt how it is supposed to happen, you are supposed to be ok, his is when the miracles happen, any minute now you will start breathing again, and we will all be witness to a miracle and will celebrate while you recover. No, that is NOT how it was supposed to be, but it is what we wanted. You were gone. Your little warrior heart was too tired, it needed rest. We bathed you, and got some footprints to keep, then were escorted to a cool, dark room, where we finally got to hold you for the first and last time. I just sat there, staring imto he most beautiful face, still waiing, begging for my son to come back. I couldnt say goodbye, I wasnt ready, I hadnt even really gotten to say hello. I never got to see you open your eyes, look into mine, and smile at your mother. Part of me wanted to stay there forever with you in my arms, and part of me wanted to run away screaming, but most of all, I wanted to join you. This is our new reality. That day, that feeling, the images, are burned into my brain. I cant even drive by hospitals without feeling nauseous. I will alwaus remember the day you left me, and how incomplete I have been since. I still have the dress I wore holding you in my closet, with your slober on the collar. I still run my fingers along my stretch marked stomach. I still snuggle your blanket. You are still with me every single day, and I will never not have pieces, reminders, and holes, from a son too beautiful and special to forget. I miss you my precious little prince.
Posted on: Thu, 21 Aug 2014 00:19:42 +0000