20 reasons to vote Jack By Kevin Baldeosingh Story Created: Jul 11, 2013 at 9:05 PM ECT Story Updated: Jul 11, 2013 at 10:06 PM ECT (1) Drains. Jack will build drains throughout Chaguanas West, since he has more experience in the gutter than any other politician. This project will also provide more venues in which to fling Kamla supporters, or for them to sleep in after they leave the rumshop, or to use for the Treasury. (2) Race. Callers to PNM radio talk shows will have to say Indians not racial toward black people, only toward poor black people. (3) Tickets. Whenever there is a major sporting event being held anywhere, Jack will ensure that constituents can buy more tickets than there are seats. He will also pay off all traffic tickets for persons charged for driving while drunk, drinking while drunk and, if he is elected, voting while drunk. (4) Reconciliation. A victory for Jack will ensure that he and Kamla Persad-Bissessar are in the same place, since when he resigned Kamla said, “Mr Warner took the high ground”: and this is her favourite kind of ground. (5) Aid. If any disaster ever hits Chaguanas West, constituents are guaranteed to get eight per cent of all relief contributions, just like Haiti got $60,000 from the $750,000 in earthquake relief given by FIFA to Jack. (6) God. However, since Jack is a Christian who the Maha Sabha has made a Hindu who is outraged at an election held during Ramadan, constituents can rest assured that, once Jack is elected, no disasters will hit Chaguanas West, including floods, tornadoes, and the Integrity Commission. After all, “Vox populi, vox Dei, et Dei, et Dei”. (7) Property. If elected, Jack will teach people how to own property when they want a loan or payments for use, and how to have it owned by an international sporting body when the property has to be developed or pay taxes. (8) Economy. And since the Court of Arbitration for Sport last July described him as “prone to an economy with the truth”, Jack can start a new economic initiative in Chaguanas West by selling truth, which will be defined by whoever can give the most advertising dollars to the Trinidad Guardian. (9) Doubles. Chaguanas West will become the Mecca of doubles, since Jack will institute surveillance to collect data on who eating doubles and with how much pepper. (10 ) Crime. A Jack victory will ensure that more crime in Chaguanas West will be reported in order to ensure that less crimes are committed, which was his rationale for banning crime statistics last year. (11) Love. After Jack resigned from the UNC government, his opponent Khadijah Ameen said, “There are people who love him dearly”, which may mean that the people who love her are less expensive to maintain. (12) Media. Since Jack and Kamla fell out, columnists who before argued that Jack’s lack of ethics was the worst kind of politics are now arguing that a victory for Jack would represent a new era for T&T politics. So commentators’ brains have already expanded thanks to Jack, since they can now hold two or more contradictory ideas without any strain at all. (13) Liming. More people will start meeting to plot against the government, or have intelligent conversation, which is the same thing. (14) Trains. In order to help reduce traffic woes in Chaguanas West, Jack will build a $30 million train-line at a cost of $800 million. This will have the additional benefit of providing a gravy train for party financiers. (15) Communications. A vote for Jack will ensure that political leaders hire effective communications specialists, so they won’t have to say that someone was an embarrassment to their party one week and, a few days later, that they regret his leaving the party; or that someone is their friend because he is their enemy’s enemy one day, and have their MPs the next day scrambling to insist that that doesn’t mean they would friend with him. (16) History. Students will no longer have to spend long hours studying this subject, since yesterday is yesterday and has nothing to do with today. (17) Sleep. Mosques will now have their calls to prayer earlier and louder, ensuring that constituent are early to rise and so get healthy and wealthy like Jack, if not wise to him. (18) Garbage. Jack will ensure prompt collection of rubbish in Chaguanas West. Not only will he supply bins free to all constituents, but he will have his son’s nephew’s aunt’s husband’s brother start a trucking company which will get the contract to collect the garbage, which Jack will supply himself every time he opens his mouth. (19) Visas. People applying for US visas will have a better chance of getting one, since Jack won’t be using his. (20) Education. More children will pass their exams, since a vote for Jack is a vote for a smart man. E-mail: kevin.baldeosingh@zoho
Posted on: Sat, 13 Jul 2013 04:30:10 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015