21 days is how long Ive been seriously ill now. I got re-diagnosed from Dengue Fever to Chikungunya, a common mistake between the two viruses. I was always terrified of getting Chikungunya, I mean the damn thing even sounds scary as hell. I was pretty much at the end of my rope tonight. The virus involves excruciating joint pain, high fevers, terrible headaches and just generally feeling like my insides are dying. But mostly I miss the feeling of being alive, Ive felt emotionally numb for a while, getting through the days sometimes with humor but a lot of times feeling pretty out of it. Ive maintained reasonably good spirits throughout and I feel Ive handled the suffering with grace, but after a particularly bad doctor made a terrible joke today I started spiraling into heavy misery. The world is pain, all of my plans have been heartlessly destroyed, every decision Ive ever made has been wrong, I am alone and totally numb and I have no idea if or when I will ever feel again...you know, one of THOSE. I was messing around on Spotify and came across one of my old favorite sing alongs, Red Rubber Ball - I sang it so loud on repeat over and over again, I think its gonna be alright, yet the worst is over now the morning sun is shining like a red rubber ball. After that came Mrs. Robinson, The Sound of Silence, by the time I got to Let It Be I was singing with everything, my whole body shaking, tears splashing everywhere with a huge grin on my face because, there it was, 21 days of Chikungunya and still everything was love, it was pouring out of my voice, every cell and more than anything I felt ALIVE. I cant do yoga, cant walk much, so Im going to sing myself better and back into a state of love every day.
Posted on: Thu, 11 Dec 2014 10:59:19 +0000
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