4 months. 120 days. Jesus, give me strength when Im standing and faith when I fall... I appear happy in photographs, at work, or with a group of friends. Behind closed doors Im a mess- more than I am willing to admit publicly. My life is in a completely frightening and unfamiliar place. I miss work, frequently. I cry, a lot. Im completely detached from other people. I love my girls, my family, and my friends from the depths of my soul but it is nearly impossible for me to show it. I am constantly searching for ways to drown the memories of the day Zac died, and the days surrounding it. The things I saw in that room will haunt me forever- at least thats how it feels right now. I unpacked a box last week from the hospital. The smell took me straight back to that moment, that gut wrenching pain. I missed several days of work and then requested an additional week off to recover from it. I try desperately to escape it, but no matter how far or how fast I run- its always waiting for me when I stop. Grief is relentless... Sometimes I feel like Zac died and went to heaven- I died and went to hell. Zac, I dont ever want to stop missing you or loving you. But, if you could please ask God to heal the numbness I feel towards life and the pain I feel in my heart- that would be great. Im exhausted. May you never feel what I then felt. May your eyes never shed such stormy, scalding, heart-wrung tears as poured from mine. May you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agised as in that hour left my lips: for never may you, like me, dread waking each day without the person you wholly love....
Posted on: Mon, 11 Aug 2014 16:04:21 +0000
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