5 years ago today... Ive been struggling to find words for this post today. This day has been rapidly approaching & I know Ive written an annual update on the anniversary of Wills death for the last 5 years. Wow. Even just typing that this morning seems surreal. 5 years. Its still so hard to fathom that its been 5 whole years since I last held that precious boy of mine. The details of that day havent escaped me. Good and bad. The dentist appointment that morning, that we overslept & showed up late for. The trip to the grocery store where Will insisted on getting watermelon & chocolate chip cookies. I remember him swinging his Snoopy golf club for his big brothers in our front yard as they were leaving to go to the driving range. Reading him Noahs ark as he cuddled in my lap. As Im typing each detailed memory of that day I know Im nearing the last. It doesnt get easier recalling such devastation. It doesnt just go away, the pain, heartache. And it shouldnt. But life keeps going and hours/days/weeks keep ticking by and eventually we have to make a choice to start living again or throw in the towel. I can remember around year 2, after we had Mollie, is when I felt alive again. I had all of these concerns that moving forward meant I was leaving Will behind. It was a real struggle. But it wasnt the truth. Which brings me to my next point.... The Truth. Its crazy how quickly the darkness & its camouflaged lies can sweep in, especially when were vulnerable. Theres no time out to catch a breathe when it comes to evil principalities. The loneliness is crushing. The feeling of failure is relentless. Pity is the loudest voice in our head. Tuning out the loud cries of our heart, (which is claimed to be deceitful above all things in Jeremiah 17:9) is a process. It takes practice, patience & determination. If I allowed my heart to dictate my life, my emotions to determine every decision, I wouldnt be where Im at today. I simply wouldnt. Ryan and I would probably be no longer. (Just based upon the fact that we were never & still sometimes arent ever on the same page). I wouldnt be the mom that my surviving children deserve. I wouldnt be the woman God intended for me be. Notice I said intended. God has created each of us with precise Purpose, but we have free will. Many people, sadly, never even operate close to a fraction of what theyre capable of. Trusting and following our fickle emotions will lead us astray. I have story upon story of God showing up at just the right time over the past 5 years and infusing me with His love, Grace, Hope. I know the fact Im even having to write this today could mean God failed me. And dont worry, that lie has bombarded my brain a time or two. But He hasnt and He never will. I dont have all of the theological reasons as to how, and I dont need them. I cant reason with the supernatural. Because its just that... SUPERnatural. I lived life without the Holy Spirit for the first 25 years of my life and with for the past 6. All things are possible with Him. Thats not just something I say lightly. So. Here I am. 5 years to the date after tragically losing my firstborn son. Holding him in my arms as he took his last breathe here. The same arms that held him when he took his first. I dont have all of the answers. I dont have it all figured out. I still have days that all I do is cry and go through the motions. But I have more days where His Peace surpasses those dreadful emotions. I no longer dread every Tuesday or 21st of the month. Thats progress. The Joy of and in The Lord is something that no circumstance can strip away. It can be paired with any other devastating emotion yet still remain. My joy is in The Lord, not in temporal things. So, today, a day that I struggle and battle the very thought of, I will hold tight to that joy and peace. I dont necessarily feel that joy at this current moment, but its not about feeling. Despite what this world tells me. This life is just temporary. And I dont carry this burden alone. He IS W I T H me! •Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.• (Psalm 51:12) •to grant to those who mourn- to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.• (Isaiah 61:3) *Will, you are missed. Every single day you are missed. I see your sweet pictures and reminisce over the hundreds of memories I have with you. I smile, I laugh, I cry but I love you. With every ounce of my being I love you. I snuggle your blanket and just cant wait until I get to snuggle you again. I see a lot of you in your sisters and its so bittersweet. Im the luckiest mom in the universe to call you, son. I love you.* ~mama
Posted on: Mon, 21 Jul 2014 16:07:40 +0000
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