50 SHADES – Chapter 10 – The Beginning Ah was conceived in orly 1982 during a lock in at The Traf. Me Ma was triumphant after seeing the Pope in Britain and me Da was celebrating another Messiah – Keegan had just signed for the Toon. Ah made me forst entrance in the Custody Suite at Gateshead nick. Me Ma was owa the moon when Charlie and Diana popped a sprog the same year and used to say “Fate will have you two meet someday”. She was reet, he visited the Youth Offenders Centre ah was in when ah was 15 year owld. Smaall world innit? Ah was born the seventh of nine kids in total, five of them bed wetters. When ah was owld enough, me Ma would ask is where ah wanted to sleep an ah wud aalways say “In the shallow end, please”. On a summers day there used to be a rainbow owa the heedboard. We had nowt but we would share it with anyone. Yu cud leave ya doors owpen aal day cos yu had nowt to pinch. It wasn’t until ah watched “Through The Keyhole” as a bairn that ah realised yu could hev a carpet AND a telly. Ah was eight years owld before ah realised me “special” money box under the stairs was the gas meter. An it was aalways a cowld hoose. Me Da telt the gas man it was that cowld, the draft blew the padlock reet off the meter aaltogether. Ah remember me Da used to be away a lot when ah was a kid, me Ma would say he was “stopping at Liz’s place in Durham”. Ah niva clicked on till ah was owlder wot she really meant. He knew everything, me Da – he was aaalways helping Police with enquiries. He wasn’t a workie ticket or nowt, just handy. Being Catholic, me Ma stayed loyal to ah vows when he was away but ah had an aaful lorra uncles when ah was a kid, it seemed to be a new one every week. She used to say being Catholic was cush. Yu cud dee owt you wanted - as lang as yu felt guilty aboorit afterwards, yu wor alreet. Ah remember the Provi man coming roond and saying “The usual ??” and she’d say, “Nar, I can pay yu this week” We seemed to gerra lot of coal an aal - which was strange cos we had an electric fire when ah was born. We were dropped off at a neighbours on Saturday afternoon while me Ma worked as a booncer at The Top Rank Bingo. She says tha wor like animals if they got aal four corners or a full hoose. Ee, an the states she used to come hyem in when it was the link-up. She said it was like being in the Gallowgate end when the Toon wah playing Millwaall. We would gerra a fish paper on a Saturday wi plenty batter between the nine oh wuh aal and the youngest had to suck the vinegar oot the newspaper before bedtime. Ah came doon one neet, when me Ma was kneeling in front of the man from Ringtons. When ah asked wot she was deeing, she said she was just sampling decaf cos she’d been up and doon aal neet wi the other stuff. She sacrificed a lot for us aal, me Ma. She cud’ve made summat of a life but met me Da at school and they started a family straight away. She left school early and went straight to the QE just like that film “From Here To Maternity”. She had ah own room by the time she was 20 and doctors suggested putting a zip doon ah belly to save time but me Da insisted everything was done natural. Dr Patel suggested family planning advice and free blobs but me Da wudn’t hear of it. “Like ganning for a plodge wi ya socks on” he wud say “No thanks” He kept his word an aal even when we outgrew the hoose. “The Lord will provide” he wud say “or failing that, the cooncil will” “The Lord is me Shepherd, ah shall not work” - The Gospel according to Saint Chav.
Posted on: Sun, 28 Jul 2013 19:21:22 +0000
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