50 SHADES – Chapter 2 - Shopping The thowt of marrying my Darryl made is aal fuzzy heeded wiv excitement, just like when you get the last bottle of White Lightning in the corner shop. More bling, if ah could fit any more on me fingers and clear oot another borrom drawer for aal the new prezzies. Ah would hev to gerra Wedding List together and purrit behind the coonter at Argos for aal the guests. Wiv me brother Alvin coming oot of prison for me Wedding Day it would be porfect. He’d had a bad time of it while he was banged up at Her Maj’s pleasure. He’d had a hip replacement and then had his appendix, gall bladder and two wisdom teeth oot. The Governor stopped any more operations cos he was convinced wor Alvin was escaping bit by bit. Ah took Tasha shopping to get ah a bridesmaid frock that wouldn’t spoil the photos. Ah settled on a skin tight black satin frock from Bon Marche as me ‘going away’ ootfit that showed aal me tattoos off with a slit aal the way up me thigh for easy access. Ah matched it up wiv a pair of stilettos that ah could barely waalk in, but ah looked friggin lush. Ah looked just like that Mylene Klass in the advort for Marksy’s, only not as scrawny. Aye, my Darryl was one lucky gadgie. Tasha went for a navy blue frock and ah hadn’t the heart to tell ah it clashed wiv a varicose veins. It plunged reet doon at the back an aal so she would hev to gan bra-less and just hope for the best. Ah towld ah you can get tit tape nooadays, but she says ah brother worked for the Cooncil and had a spare roll of gaffer tape she could hev. Ah ownly hoped she could dee summik wiv ah stretch marks an aal. She bought a pair of peep toed Ugg boots to finish ah look off. She was hoping to cop off on the day with Kev the Best Man, an ex decorator she’s knaan for a while who is noo a trainee gynaecologist. She reckons he can still waalpaper a whole staircase from just the letterbox. Its funny wor Cliff was born by Caesarean and we didn’t think it affected him, although when he leaves a room noo, he gans oot the window. Anyroad me and Tasha spent the rest of the rent on designer bling from Claire’s Accessories and we were hot to trot. We were both starving so popped into Maccy D’s for a quick bite and to line wa stomachs before the festivities got under way. The spotty little Herbert behind the coonter says “Ah can make it large for another quid?” the mucky pup. Ah doubted that he cud like. Ah gazed through his National Health specs and says “Ah bet yee’ve gorra quaarta poonder sonny, but nee cheese mind” He went pale and ah whispered “Roond the back lover boy, ready when yee are” Well, ah’ve aalways been one for a bargain. Tasha was busy with ah loyalty card and was trying to negotiate a discoont for bulk buying. Ah waited til his shift finished and dragged him roond by the rubbish skip. Ah ays “There wasn’t enough mayo on me borger, hev yee got any spare?” and whipped his kecks off. For aal he struggled, he soon had his McNuggets deep in me McMuffin and filled is up good and proper. Ah didn’t lerrim gan doon tho, cos ah didn’t want me minge stapled off his teeth braces, but ah was ‘Loving It’ alreet and gave him two extra stars for his Customer Sorvice badge. He wud have gotten three but he didn’t say “Hev a nice day” afterwards. It reminded is of when ah was seeing that young lad who worked at KFC - that was ‘Finger Licking Good’ alreet! But aal these one night stands were a thing of the past noo. My Darryl was me hearts desire. Ah just had to pop into Greggs to check on the Meat and Potato Wedding Cake ah’d ordered and everything was ganna be fine. Roll on the big day.
Posted on: Fri, 26 Jul 2013 09:36:57 +0000
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