50 SHADES – Chapter 4 – The Wedding The day of the wedding finally dawned. Me heed felt like it was ganna borst wiv a hangowa, so ah stuck me fingers doon me throat to make way for me brekky. Cowld kebab and a cuppa. Sorted. Being a bit of a traditionalist, ah’d carefully planned the day, wiv something old (me frock), something new (the ring), something borrowed (hair extensions) and something blue (a new tattoo). Ah wanted to look just like Jordan did on aal hor weddings, but not as tacky. Ah’d had me burberry wedding frock dry cleaned to remove aal the stains from the last wedding day. Ee, happy and sad memories of those no longer with us but, wiv time off for good behaviour, they shud be oot within five years. Ah had the elasticated waist taken oot aaltogether cos this was the ownly time ah’d been married withoot being up the duff. And ah was a bit more adventurous this time and had the front bodice made bigger an aal so you cud see the new tattoo on me left titty, with mine and my Darryls names intertwined, above two Staffy pitbulls mating, which was a symbol of our love. “Like A Vorgin” blared oot as ah walked doon the aisle on wor Alvin’s arm. Tasha, me chief bridesmaid, was waalking backwards cos she used to be an usherette at the Odeon. Owld habits die hard ah suppose. The gormless fat cow kept standing on me train and ah was so pleased she’d kept ah Ugg boots on instead of the stilettos ah’d nicked for her, otherwise me frock would have been ruined. Ah looked at my Darryl standing there aal norvous, with Kev his best man, both in matching shellsuits and Kappa trainers. As ah neared him, the aroma of Old Holburn, Blue Stratos and garlic overwhelmed is and ah realised that, far from being norvous, he was really shaking cos he was due his methadone fix. The do started when the vicar asked “Does anyone knaa of any lawful impediment why these two should not be joined together in holy matrimony?” Ah held my breath as ah had slept wiv Kev, the vicar and most of the choir but they aal kept schtum. He then smiled and said “Do you, Darryl Greggs St James Park Keegan Byker Grove Geordie Jeans Simpleton take Kylie Steak Bake Avon Shimmering Lipgloss Enhancer Pepperoni Provident to be your lawful wedded wife?” There was a pause that seemed to last forever. What was gannin through his heed? Was he hevin second thoughts? Did he knaa aboot the hen neet shenanigans wiv the bouncer or young specky from Maccy D’s? Was ah aboot to be rumbled? Kev nudged him to tek his Waalkman off and my Darry uttered “Aye”. Me Ma started bubbling and a hord me Da blow his nose to stifle a tear. Married again !! We exchanged sovereign rings and waalked into the vestry to sign the register. My Darryl couldn’t wait any laanger and hoisted me frock up and took is there and then, gannin like he was riding a Derby winner. Nee wonder me signature was wobbly. Ah only hoped me false tan didn’t run doon me legs. We waalked oot arm in arm. Aal the grandbairns looked lush in tha matching Ethel Austin ootfits. Friends and family stood shoulder to shoulder for the pics. Somebody hoyed a horse shoe for good luck and it worked, it hit Tasha reet in the gob. Ah tossed me floowaz behind is, and wor Vince caught them, as we got onto the horse and trap to tek us to the reception. Ah ownly hope the paparazzi divvent harass me bezzy Geordie A List celeb mates like, or there’ll be nowt wrang. And the berra be nee-one flogging tha stories to “Alreet?” magazine either Next chapter “The Reception” the morra neet……..
Posted on: Sat, 03 May 2014 06:10:51 +0000
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