59 - SOCIAL NORMS - In the light of Islamic Teachings ANGER - How to manage it Some people get angry very quickly. Even trivial things anger them. A simple joke or jest offends them and they jump into argument, or heated discussion. The heated discussion turns into bickering, at times into serious fighting, and sometimes ends in killing. This is exactly what happened with one of our family friends. Anger took the life of a woman who was arguing with her devar (brother-in-law). In the heat of argument, devar brought a knife and threatened to kill her if she did not stop fighting with him and other family members. He did not mean to kill his bhabi (wife of his elder brother) but wanted to frighten and stop her. She was so overwhelmed by anger that she snatched the knife from her devar’s hand and cut her throat. Even rushing for the emergency medical aid did not help, and she died. The event raised a murder case against the family and it ended in a huge loss - emotional, physical and financial to hush the case. All this happened due to low tolerance and inability to control anger. In our society, tolerance is on the downslide and anger on the upswing. The man in the street is crushed with economic woes and therefore, his anger may be justified. Even our parliamentarians, who are supposed to be doing legislation and resolving the national issues, show no tolerance and vent extreme anger on TV talk shows (1) when not only the local people but folks in the foreign countries are watching them. There could be several reasons of perpetual decrease of tolerance in our society. But, does this mean we should forget the teachings of our religion and vent anger when and where we may want? Once a person came to the Holy Prophet and asked for some advice, to which he said: ‘Never get angry.’ The person asked for some more advice and received the same answer. Likewise, he asked several times and received the same answer from the Prophet. The Holy Prophet asked his companions: ‘How do you define a winning wrestler?’ ‘The one who overcomes the other wrestler in a bout,’ replied the companions. ‘No, the winning wrestler is the one who controls his anger.’ Said the Holy Prophet. (Bukhari). The wisdom of the Holy Prophet was well illustrated through a practical example by Hazrat Ali al-Murtaza, the fourth caliph of Islam, who, in a battle, had a duel with a very strong opponent. When he was about to kill him, the enemy spat on his face. Exercising extreme control over his anger, Hazrat Ali immediately moved off his chest and let him go. Surprised at the move, the enemy asked: ‘Why didn’t you kill me?’ ‘I was fighting for Allah but after you spat on my face, the fight would have been a personal one, which I did not want.’ Replied Hazrat Ali. What is anger, and why the Holy Prophet so strongly warned against it? Anger is an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. What prompts this emotional state is the situation in which the ego of a person is hurt or something threatens or challenges his pride, or he reacts to something that he does not like. Being part of all other human emotions, anger too is a natural reaction. However, reacting with fury or rage, leads to very serious consequences. The first thing that happens to a person is, his blood pressure rises, energy hormones, adrenaline are released into the bloodstream, thus accelerating the heart and breathing rate - the well-known contributors to health problems such as depression, ulcer, heart burn, heart attack and even a stroke. The first casualty of anger therefore is the loss of self-control and rationality. As a result, the judgment of a person blurs and he reacts in an unwise manner. He elicits unfriendly and hostile feelings in others, strains his relations, and alienates his friends. Anger can also lead to extreme situations such as a wrong decision, violence, physical harm, and killing. When a person kills other, he does not realize that the emotions under which he lost his temper would phase out not only a life but have a backlash on him also. He may be hanged for killing, or sent to prison for life. Most of us do not realize how much damage we do to ourselves and others in the heat of anger. However, later, when we realize, the damage turns out to be irreversible. Imagine how badly it will affect others, if the head of a state speaks out or makes a decision in anger. Or, a General, during war, acts in anger; or, a Justice delivers his verdict in anger. Would the results not be disastrous? Similarly, marriages are often broken in anger. Even repenting later, does not help in this case. Anger sometimes costs a person his job, relationship, and even brings life-long suffering. Controlling anger is the best skill one can develop, because this way he takes charge of himself and can better deal with others - simply by thinking and reacting rationally and positively. A coolheaded person is appreciated whereas the hot-tempered person fails to maintain good relationship with others. Psychologists say that only the person concerned can control his temperament, no one else can do it for him or her. So what should we do when anger overwhelms us? The simple answer is - keep cool. Do not react, even if your pride or ego is badly hurt. If this is not possible then stop arguing and leave the place. Once, in the presence of the Holy Prophet, two persons had an argument and one of them became furious with anger. The Holy Prophet said: ‘He would cool down if he recites - ‘Aauz billa hae manish shae tua nirra jeem (I seek Allah’s protection from Satan).’ Then the Holy Prophet told three remedies for anger. The other two, as narrated by Abu Zar Gaffari, a very close companion of the Holy Prophet, are: ‘In the event of anger, a standing person should sit; and a sitting person should lie down. In anger, as the circulation of blood increases the eyes and face become red, drink water and do ablution to cool down the anger.’ In our daily life, at home, at office, or anywhere else for that matter, one can follow simple techniques to control the anger. * Do not get offended, people cannot hurt you by being angry only you can choose to hurt yourself by your response to them. If somebody says something to you that is rude or designed to hurt, let it pass. In this way, you are in your control - not someone else’s. * Slow down while in anger, do not say the first thing that comes into your head, slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. When the other person has cooled down, try to talk about the problem. * Do not vent anger on others, get it out of your system. Say it into a tape recorder if you cannot suppress it; or into a video camera and replay it. The monstrosity of your actions in anger would be so repulsive that you would not only hate it but won’t repeat it. Express your anger in a notebook or diary. You will laugh at your anger and cross out the jumble of words you would have written. You will find them unnecessary and a waste of your energy. * Give yourself a break during the day to enjoy something that you like. This could be a short nap, walk, swimming, reading, writing, playing a favourite game or even watching a TV program. This would reduce the stress that is one cause of anger, and would boost up your energy and tolerance. Taming your anger brings you peace rather than losing it forever. ____________________________________________________ 1. During TV talk shows (for example during 2009-2010) on various private channels, our parliamentarians vented not only anger but made personal attacks on each other. Seeing their heated arguments, some children in Saudi Arabia asked their father: ‘Abu, why do you get angry at us seeing us fighting with each other, whereas you laugh and enjoy seeing fighting on the TV?’ Also, seeing Babar Awan, Federal Law Minister, Salman Taseer, Punjab Governor, and Rana Sanaullah, Punjab Law Minister, the children call each other, in a good mood - ‘Oaye Chaudriya, Oaye Jagir dara. Mein es se be badi badhak mar sakna wan.’ (I can use even worst words than you). Our parliamentarians (who are supposed to be honourable), while addressing the public meetings, hurl out these words in a free style. This is a ‘Lamha-e-Fikriya’ (something to think about) as to what we are passing down to our next generation. _____________________________________________________ (Taken from my book - SOCIAL NORMS, published by FEROZSONS, Lahore, 2013). Note: Salutations are mentioned in the beginning of the book. To keep the flow of the text they are not repeated all the time. However, I expect readers to say them for the Holy Prophet and sahaba when they read the story.
Posted on: Fri, 27 Sep 2013 04:45:39 +0000
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