. A Father’s Lament I am diminished, My potential unfulfilled, A brighter light un-nurtured, A shadow of a heart thats killed, My light grows dimmer every day, Fruit left to wither on the vine, A fire neglected soon to die, Soon just a dying ember, Before we was married, I believed I had a future, Where I could climb any mountain, I would aim high when love was nurtured! My target I would hit or better, I knew I exceeded my dreams, Everything I hoped for, Were within my grasp, But I knew something was missing, I wanted to share those dreams with someone else, Who would make my life complete, Sharing life’s greatest journey, She asked me to go on that first date; I’ll have you know, I thought that she was cute, Was it timing or destiny? Though the reason now is moot, But marriage soon forced me, To lower those expectations, I knew then, I was really in trouble, I aimed too high; she said, I used to really believe in myself, In the things I could accomplish, Nothing was impossible, When possibilities were endless, I had my suspicions, The day we took out our marriage license, She refused to change her name, After all, she had published her thesis! Distinct, yet together, This was what she insisted, Were we ever really a couple? Was there ever really a “we”? Then we were married, I wanted it to be, It was the closest Saturday to Autumn Equinox, Equality, symbolically, But, it wasn’t very soon afterward, Then I knew things had really changed, The very principles of my faith, Were now shook to the very foundations, This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be, As life soon went out of focus, This wasn’t very good for me, With all this hocus-pocus, We set our goal one day to climb a high mountain, It was while on our honeymoon, But she suddenly stopped not far from the top, and decided to turn around and go down, “I’m done” she said, leaving me standing there, simply dumbfounded, I had a decision to make at that point, A decision I regretted for the rest of my life, I should have continued, and reached the top, Instead I paused just a moment, then turned around, and went down, to follow my wife. I know in hindsight, at that point, In our then still new and brief marriage, That this was a metaphor realized, Of things yet to come, First, she would only walk away, and say” I don’t have time for this,” Leaving me alone, when I needed her, Love is supposed to be patient, I thought, I felt hurt, but I always forgave her, I felt like a boat in the ocean, Cut from my anchor, Without a compass, Left to drift….alone. I used to believe that I had a career, But soon was convinced, that mine took a backseat to hers, I had not a career, but just a job, It seems I was always wrong, that, my wife made quite clear, Once when I was late, or forgot to do some simple task, I was told; “How can I be intimate, with someone I can’t trust?” Thus, two basic building blocks of the foundation of our relationship, Were pulled out from beneath, My faith and foundation shaken, I knew I was on the decline, That zenith that I thought I would reach, Would never now be mine, Marriage, I believed was when, Two people, like two flames came together, To make a brighter, greater flame, Where two come together, they multiply each other, “I have what works for me; you have to find what works for you” This is one of my wife’s mottos, Nowhere was there ever an “US” in this life equation, In this relationship, there was only division, where I am only the remainder. My suggestions are all seen as criticisms, No matter how nicely I tried to suggest or make an observation, “I hate being corrected!” she complains, So now I only can bow my head and remain silent, I feel as though I have been under-mined, At each turn in the road of life, Every decision regarding the children, She countermands right in front of them, She taught the children, through her own example, Not to have any respect for their dad, She doesn’t listen to him, so why should they? Somehow I think that is sad, How can a man survive? In a marriage full of such invalidations, Children learn by example, We both should have been on the same pages, Often time you just laugh it off, When you contradict what I have asked them to do, Perhaps you think it’s really funny, But who is really fooling who? Where I seek to create order, there’s chaos, When I seek to create peace, there’s disharmony, When I find a place for something, It’s moved from that spot, What I try to clean-up is returned to messes, Where things are, it’s anyone’s guesses, How can things be so contrary? Soon, I think, it’s me they’ll bury. So much waste, so much duplicated effort, There is no room in her vocabulary, For such words as “we” or “us”, or “together”, I feel a sense of shame, at what people might think, When out together in a group, or in conversations, How strange it seems when she refers to our children as “my children” When I am standing right next to her, Seems to be beyond being not validated, can this be right? I do my own wash, I cook most of my own meals, She doesn’t eat the food I prepare, Except on special occasions or meals, She mostly buys food, In prepackaged single servings, She rarely eats any leftovers, Such waste to me is disturbing, When I would do more shopping, But it would be just a waste, For whatever I buy, She would not even use or taste, What the kids like to eat, If it has enough sugar or is sweet, Forget about fiber or nutrition, She doesn’t have time for that! There are obstacles that seem to be placed in my way, So I have to undo things first, without explanation, I leave her to do things how she wants, Just to avoid her complaining, She has no idea how to tell a ripe fruit from another, And has no interest to learn, not from me, or her mother, There are so many things she does, that just seem so inconsiderate, To top things off, she often treats me like I’m just an idiot, Even when I try to offer a compliment, Or a positive comment, Its meaning is twisted, Into something quite negative, On some rare occasions, When there is something she doesn’t know how to do, She will ask me how to do it, As she really has no clue, But as is often the occasion, When I start my explanation, She will turn and walk away, “I don’t have time for this”, she will say. She walked away again, Leaving me to pick-up the pieces, Strangers under one roof, The chasm between us grows wider, In a marriage it is important to have a sense of validation, To know that you play an important part in your relation, Instead I feel only a sense of invalidation, My part in procreation done, I am only an unnecessary vestige, This killing me slowly, in your own special way, Passive-Aggressively, day by day, The chasm widens, with each unkind act, Which is done with precision, so matter-of-fact, This web of illness, fills me with dread, As I sense my bodies soon demise, Because of this poor diet imposed on me, I suppose, all too soon I’ll be dead, The other day she announced, That she’s buying a double, She’ll move in alone, And be rid of my trouble, While this is a mixed blessing, Being discarded like a worn out shoe, After years of abuse, I’m not sure what next to do, Then she changes her mind, After seeing her lawyer, Against all reason and law, How can this be allowed? Now Im being forced to move, Why should this happen? My seems to be coming apart, As I am forced now to walk away, Beat-up and hurt, I feel like I’m dirt, Ground under foot, Treated like soot, Just another part, Now unused, Though soon to be discarded, My DNA job complete, She has what she wanted, The house and the kids, I am left on the outside, The father of two children, Who now, will never really know, their father, ...Or how much I really loved them.
Posted on: Sun, 09 Mar 2014 23:53:03 +0000
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