A Longing for Intimacy was Born When I was younger, a long time ago, I experience apperception, a metaphysical phenomenon wherein all thoughts, memories, and sensations were felt in the third person, I was a passive observer to my consciousness, experiencing my thoughts, feelings and sensations as if they were not exactly mine, although I knew they were mine. The first episode happened one night right before I completely lost consciousness while falling asleep. Replaying in my head was what I watched on tv before going to sleep. The Carpenters were singing in my head, complete with all the vocals, instruments, everything. It was not just high fidelity, it was true fidelity. I tried to experience the same phenomenon again, I tried to duplicate everything as much as possible. I let go of whatever came into my consciousness, instead of grasping them and holding them for inspection, I content myself of merely letting them come in to my consciousness and letting them go just as quickly and easily. I experienced kinesthetic sense in an interesting way. I thought my body moved significantly, but when I opened my eyes and looked at my body it had not moved at all. I felt my body drenched in sweat, but when I inspected myself, all I saw was pinpricks of sweat I could barely see. Sensations of heat was magnified tremendously, warmth was felt as burning sensation to the skin. Maybe autistic children experiences sensations the same way thats why they would not let you hug or hold them. I lost sensation of sight. When closing the eye we have the sensation of darkness, that we knew we could not see anything. In this state, I dont recognize sight from non-sight, darkness from light. It must be how blind from birth person would be. I also experienced how the mind scanned or processed images to extract understanding data from them. It was strange, diagonal, horizontal, vertical with some kind of photoshop function that extract edges. Then, of course, I experience the aural, sonal, sound experience that was the point of whole thing anyway. But, it did not stop there. Right before I completely and totally lost consciousness I experienced the whole point of this narrative, I experienced the emptiness of a void. Nothing exists in that void. No sensation of any kind. None. Kinesthetic, touch, sight, sound, warmth, nothing. No thoughts, no emotions, no memories. If God were in that state when He supposedly created the Universe, then I would not blame Him even for the crappy existence we have. I would have done the same thing just to escape that void. Lady, if you hear me telling you this narrative and youre scared of intimacy, then I advises you run into that void because even the devil would not dare follow you there. If you already heard me tell this to you and if it is not intimate enough for you, then Im sorry. Thats the best I could do.
Posted on: Tue, 28 Oct 2014 15:43:43 +0000
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