A Note to ALL My Friends: Sometimes its hard sitting at church and feeling like the message being given was directed right at you. Where the people around you fade away, and it feels that its just you and the pastor speaking over some fish tacos. (Those who know my pastor will get the fish tacos reference.) For four years I searched for a feeling that I had lost, or should I say that was torn from my chest and thrown out to never exist again. A lot has happened to me in the last 6 years, that I never really discuss or talk about because Im not really used to having someone really sit down and say Johan lets talk. I wanna know whats going on with you… (no sense in asking now, cuz Im dealing with it.) Anyways.. back to the lost feeling. I had been searching for this feeling, Ive been substituting it with other things, and emotions, and things that kinda distract me for awhile. Then today I felt like I got shot right in between the eyes. There are some who may understand that feeling, and there may be those who dont. Then something happened. I caught wind of someone I really admired finding the one and I realized how no good for anybody I truly was. It made me think Man this girl is so amazing, I seriously had no chance to EVER get to know her on that kind of level. I truly realized how much I didnt deserve a person like her. Then I sat in church and was told why. It was a message entitled You Need to Know. Now it wasnt a message of damnation and it wasnt JUST the message. It started with the music, and as I was being spoken to by it, I then sat there and my mind started to race and wonder, and ask so many questions to myself that I had to answer truthfully to myself. Then the baby dedications came and I REALLY started to think and wonder. I thought how beautiful this family was, and how happy they looked, and how the presence of joy filled their eyes and hearts that Im sure only a person experiencing it could explain. As this chubby and absolutely adorable baby is being dedicated, I began to ask what do I need to do to have a taste of that experience? Those whove really sat and talked to me, know that I love my parents very much but my biggest fear is ending up like them. Sometimes it eats me up thinking about the hand I was dealt. Especially when I see some of the families of my students and think.. Man I wonder what thats like?? I wonder what its like having both parents at home? I wonder what its like to be given a fair shot at life? Statistics say that a lot of kids who grow up in a single parent home, have a tendency to have a lot of broken relationships in their life. When I read that I thought about it and was like man.. I dont have any kids out of wedlock or a divorce under my belt, but I certainly do have a good amount of broken relationships. Which then I start to think of current actions that I have done, and getting back to today knowing why I wouldve never deserved someone like my friend. Then the message came… It wasnt even the direct message that got me! Its like God took the back door and got me with the side scriptures that Jack used. The part I write down in my notes as Further Scriptures to Study.. Thing is.. I knew right away and was holding back so much emotion. It wasnt just teary eyed emotion, but stuff that had me feeling convicted, then angry with myself. Then i just had the urge to wanna hit a punching bag as hard as I could. I honestly sat there, next to my mother trying to swallow a huge jawbreaker without choking, trying to not let her notice it. Thats what it felt like. The lump in my throat was so huge… I just sighed, turned my back to her so she couldnt see my face. We sit where my left arm faces the aisle to I can write without bumping elbows. (lefty problems) Anyways…. Then I read this… But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: 2 For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4 traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! (2 Timothy 3:1-5) I felt that I fell in a few of those categories and realized… No wonder such amazing people have turned away from me. No wonder why I didnt have even the slightest chance at even a conversation over a cup of coffee. Regardless of what anybody else may think, I feel we are nearing the last days. Because even though I fell into a few of these categories I see the world all around me doing the same. Ive grown to not do what others do, and this time I found myself doing just that! Its like I know the game plan, but I decided not to follow it. I dont wanna do that anymore. I dont want to fall into that category. I dont want to do what the norm is doing. My own mother when we were having a conversation about me having a family of my own etc.. she said… Mijo dont be like me. She meant it..It hurt to hear her say that, and Im sure it took a lot of strength for her to be so humble and say that to me. I feel like little things all weekend have been leading up to this message. We had a rehearsal at one of our students houses. I must say they have SOOOOO much space. In the giant garage where the rehearsal was taking place I noticed there was a room built in it. It was our students Drum room with foam and everything!! This family in general is just so awesome, their littlest daughter who was my student told my Mom she loved me. haha!!.. Anyways… Im checking out this drum room and I see a picture of a poster that had on the frame 1st performance then I see a box frame with broken sticks with the date written on them First broken sticks and right then I thought… How blessed was this kid to have a family and a household like this. I grew envious and covetous and it wore on me and I began to feel sick. I waited for my last performing student to go on and then I left. Because I began to feel a little sad. On the drive home I began to talk to God in my head and my heart grew heavy and I asked… Why… what did I do to not have a chance at a life like that?… Why must I pay for the sins of my father?… What is the sole purpose of me having to deal with some of the things I did?… It literally made me sick to my stomach. I grew angry, then I grew very sad. This is gonna sound crazy to some people but I got my answers one by one today! As I sat there in church, at my sisters game, and even as I sat and ate my sushi after. Just one by one every answer was given. Then it became clear as day, as if I was sitting across the table from God, I was told… Johan… I know all that you have done. I know all that you deal with. I know all the feelings, the thoughts, the confusion you feel. But surely I say to you… Through all of your struggles and the short comings, the things you currently struggle with I still love you, and I promise you that the moment you decide to throw all those unnecessary things aside and do the things I have planned for you… Your children and their children and the generations after will have a life that you so wished to of had. I KID YOU NOT!!! CLEAR AS DAY!! CALL ME CRAZY BUT I KNOW WHAT I HEARD AND FELT!! As hard as I know this will be… I MUST change, and do these things not only for me, but for my future wife, and my future children that she will so graciously give me. Im gonna be M.I.A. for a little while. Ill still check in and if I see something funny I may post it, but I may be absent from actually IMing and such. Those who have my number can feel free to check in on me. Ill still post videos and instagram pictures but just dont expect me to be too responsive. I HAVE to do this for me and my future. For those who REALLY care, can feel free to find me out and about and give me a hug. Ill always accept free hugs. I think all this happened because God grew tired of me constantly asking him to just take me already. Its like he was explaining my homework and I wasnt getting it so he was like Look.. here.. Now you get it!? I sat there like OHHH!!! Anyways… I dont really expect many people to read this entire thing. But I know there are a few that may, because they will wonder why Im so silent. Ive been pretty messed up for awhile now, both mentally, physically, and spiritually. I know Im stronger than what I have shown and I just think its time for me to show that. Time to be fearless, motivated, and strongwilled! With that said I say to all of my friends I love you and I hope you understand that if Im a little quiet or distant, it isnt personal. If you choose to excuse me from your life because of my choice I still love you and hope you are blessed in whatever endeavor you choose. Take care and God Bless. -Johan Andrew Acu
Posted on: Mon, 20 Oct 2014 04:20:41 +0000
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