A Pythonesque tribute to a certain Brighton striker who hasnt yet managed to score a quarter of the way through the season. Written by my mate Simon Levenson and very, very funny. DEAD STRIKER FAN: I wish to register a complaint. (Pause.) FAN: I wish to complain about this striker what we purchased not three months ago from this very south Yorkshire boutique. OWNER: Oh yes, sir, the Barnsley Red...Whats,uh...Whats wrong with him? FAN: Ill tell you whats wrong with him, my lad. Es rubbish, thats whats wrong with him! OWNER: No, no, es uh,...hes still adjusting to his surroundings. FAN: Look, matey, I know a useless striker when I see one, and Im looking at one right now. OWNER: No, no hes not useless, hes, hes just a bit out of sorts! Remarkable bone structure, the Barnsley Red! FAN: The bone structure dont enter into it. He’s total pants OWNER: Nononono, no, no! Es just a bit out of sorts! FAN: Now look, mate, Ive ad enough of this. That striker is definitely rubbish, and when we purchased ‘im not three months ago, you assured us that his total lack of movement was due to him bein tired shagged out and depressed after watching England in the World Cup OWNER: Well, hes probably pining for the Pennines. FAN : PININ for the Penninesl? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment he got to the Amex? OWNER: The Barnsley Red prefers prefers scoring goals on his back! FAN: Look Matey, I took the liberty of examining that striker when he arrived in Brighton and I discovered the only reason that he was here in the first place was that he was drugged on the train and missed his stop at Selhurst OWNER: Well, of course we we had to drug him. If we hadn’t drugged him a Spanish agent would have nipped in, whisked him away and… VOOM! …Off to Real Madrid FAN: VOOM?!? Mate, Chris O’Grady wouldnt voom if you put four million volts through ‘im! Es bleedin useless! OWNER: No no! Es pining! FAN: Es not pinin! Es useless! This striker is no more! He has ceased to be! is talent has expired and gone to meet its maker! Es a stiff! Bereft of goals, e rests in peace! If you hadnt nailed im to a three year contract he’d be playing for Accrington Stanley. Vis-a vis the metabolic footballing processes, he’s ‘ad ‘is lot. THIS IS AN EX-STRIKER ! OWNER: Well I’d better replace him then ( goes off stage) I’ve had a look and we’re right out of strikers. FAN: I see, I see, I get the picture. OWNER: I got a Torres......... FAN: We’ll have him then. Couldn’t do any worse! ENDS
Posted on: Mon, 27 Oct 2014 17:06:12 +0000
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