A SALUTE TO THE MOTHERFREAK OF NATURE THAT IS KRISSH 3 (am I spelling it right? Are there 2Rs, 2Ss, 3Hs … oh what the hell!) My heart is filled with joy, my eyes are moist with elation. After years of waiting, finally the void left in Indian Cinema after Jaani Dushman – Ek Anokhi Kahani has been filled (well not really. Jaani Dushman still remains the pinnacle of sci-fi douchebaggery but atleast we have a pretty strong ‘antidote’ for the JD deprivation virus in the form of Krrish 3) I beg and plead all of you to not miss this galaxy shattering, dimension shaking, spacetime continuum altering spectacle of epicness that is Krrish 3. Only once in a gazzilliontruckload years does the Universe conspire by aligning stars, black holes and space debris in such a way that it inspires one bald man to make a movie that will make all the hair on the back of the necks of all men, women and maanvars stand and do the cha-cha. Even though words cannot do enough to summarize the epicness of Krissh 3, and even if you are not a big fan of Krrissh and his terrace hopping, face vibrating antics, there are enough good reasons to make a dash to your nearest theater and inject some Krrissh 3 DNA in your senses (yes DNA is a term that is mentioned a lot, A LOT in this film) . I will outline a few of them for you -- MAJOR SPOILERS FOLLOW. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED THE MOVIE YET ---- • ROHIT MEHRA --- As much as I thought Hrithik gave a decent performance in “Koi Mil Gay” (Throughout the movie I kept on thinking Jaddu and Rohit would end up together. Jaadu literally did come out of the closet in one scene), somehow the character of Rohit Mehra never made any sense to me. The first movie told us that he is a man child. A 10 year old kid in a 25 year old man’s body (Apologies in advance for the disturbing mental visuals that will inevitably follow). Well, no 10 year old kid I know talks, walks or behaves like that. He is not a retard as per the Krrissh universe, on the contrary he is an exceptionally gifted bournvita loving genius. Why the hell does this guy still talks like that now that he is a sixty plus man?? Shouldn’t his inner child have grown into atleast a teenager by now. It would have been so cool to have ‘Krrissh ka Bapu’ greet him with a ‘Sup Dude’ everytime he walks in wearing his Armaan Kohli borrowed Trench-coat and his dog chewed Batman mask. The Rohit Mehra of Krrissh 3 has evolved into a potbellied, Mr. Bean and Barfi crossbreed who doles out batshit insane scientific fundas throughout the movie before spontaneously combusting, transmitting his “life force” into his son and exploding like a hot air balloon. I’m not making any of this up. I swear • THE SCIENCE --- Ah! Yes the science. Did you know that reflecting sunlight using multiple mirrors and then deflecting it through a pen can bring dead plants and dead superheroes to life?? Did you know that DNAs can be injected into other DNAs to create Green Chilli shaped viruses that have an incubation period of 5 seconds and can be killed only by an antidote made by DNA extracted from blood which can then be mixed into purple gulaal and exploded over the city skyline to create an envelope of purple smoke which will keep any viruses at bay?? Did you know that test tube babies are telekinetic, otherwise immortal but can only be destroyed using pen-deflected, mirror reflected sunbeams?? Did you know that all this is merely a glimpse of the world changing scientific knowledge from the Krrissh 3 kunji?? • THE MAANVARS --- The name sums it all. Doesn’t it. I can imagine how this term was coined…. Rakesh Roshan sitting in his office buried in piles of DC and Marvel comics and the X-Men DVDs looking depressed Dhuliya The Chai Waalah enters Dhulia: Ka baat ho gayi baabu ji. Pareshan lag rahe ho? RakRosh: Haan kuch soch raha hoon. Tum chai rakho aur jao. Disturb mat karo Dhulia: Hum kachoo madad kar sakat hain sahib jee?? RakRosh (giving Dhuliya the same look Satish Shah gives to Manoj Kumar in “Clerk”): Tu madad karega meri? Ek mamooli chai waala? Tu batayega mujhe ki X-Men ke mutants ko kya naam doon apni film mein? Dhulia (Giving the RakRosh the same look Govinda gives to Rajesh Khanna in Swarg): Sahib e mootant ka hota hai? RakRosh: Mutant matlab aadhe maanav aadhe jaanvar Dhulia: Maanav Jaanvar!!! Mane ki Maanvar sahib ji??? RakRosh (Giving Dhulia the same look SRK gives to Kajol in K3G when he first spots her dancing to ‘Hulley Hulley’) kya…. Kya kaha tuney??? Dhulia: maafi de do sahib ji kuch galat kaha ho toh (falls to RakRosh’s feet) RakRosh (Grabs Dhuliya by his shoulders, lifts him up, hugs him and gives him the same look Alok Naath gives to all his movie Daamaads): Arrey pagle teri jagah wahaan nahi yahaan hai. Aaj se tum mera naya AD (Assistant Director. NOT Assistant Daamaad) • KAAL --- Kaal ki Kaaynaat which is a “Tooh” shaped lab on the top of the Greater Kailaash Parvat (Epic Handicap accessibility fail considering Kaal is a wheelchair ridden, paralyzed from neck down love child of a 3 way orgy between Prof. Xavier, Magneto and Stephen Hawking who dresses like Dracula on Wheels) is filled with glass bowls, glass jars, glass mugs, glass spoons, glass walls, glass ceiling, glass floor, glass, glass, all things glass and more glass. Kaal who can apparently only move his neck and 2 fingers (in the movie they only show him moving one finger throughout . Ahem!) goes dinoshit insane at the slightest provocation and keeps shattering his own lab using his telekinetic rage and one finger. Considering that his lab is on top of a snow clad mountain and Kaal keeps smashing all window panes, I am not surprised that he looks so pale and frozen throughout the movie. Seriously, someone needs to Kaal-proof his lab. I have never seen any Hindi Film villain do this much damage to his own adda. Kaal is also a true family man who wants to strengthen his family ties by injecting his DNA into his 3 month old Foetus Bhatija which is a very very disturbing thought. Kaal is also not a feminist and domestically abuses his maanvar mistress Kaaya at every given opportunity by strangling her with her own Choti telekinetically (Which is probably why she ends up getting a haircut towards the end of the movie. It’s not fashion. It’s safety) Also, towards the end of the movie he takes off his pants and big chunks of metal fly and cling to his body with ball busting ferocity turning him into a very sorry looking Tin Man. Worst Supervillain costume ever! Kaal also owns the biggest pharmaceutical company in the world called ‘Kaal Pharmaceuticals”. Will you ever buy your medicines from a company called Kaal Pharmaceuticals? That is the worst branding decision ever. Who names a Pharmaceutical Company ‘Kaal Pharmaceuticals’.?? Hell, who names their kid ‘Kaal’ ?? • THE DIALOGUES --- While Krrissh 3 is full of gems like “Energy ki Power bohot zyada hai”, “Jo Paida nahi hotey who martey nahi hain” and “Inishaaat (I think the guy meant to say initiate) Sequence” there are a few moments which will make even Kanti Shah gleam with glee. Months later when Krrissh 3 makes its way to DVD and Blu Ray, I am going to gather a few friends and play a drinking game of “Spot the unintentional sleazy innuendos in Krrish 3”. Savour a few here --- Kaaya to Kaal: Kaal tumhari sirf do hi ungli hilti hai fir bhi tum kaise kar lete ho itna sab? Kaal: agar meri saari ungliyaan hilti hoti, haath hilte hotey aur saara shareer hilta hota toh tum soch bhi nahi sakti main kya kya kar sakta tha And then there is the spin on the famous Deewar Dailogue which made my jaw drop – Kid to Kaal: Krrissh tumhaare paas toh mask hai, suit hai. Kya hai mere paas? Krrissh to kid: Haath chhotey hon toh kya. Himmat badi honi chahiye. Tumhare paas Himmat hai bête And then finally is the epic moment when the same kid charges towards Busted Balls Tin Foil wrapped Kaal and yells “Kyun Kaal. Phat gayi kya?” Please please please do watch Krrissh3. Miss it and God, Allah and Bhagwaan will never forgive you
Posted on: Wed, 13 Nov 2013 19:48:04 +0000
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