A bit of a long one because I havent found a way to do files for the page on iPad but its well worth a read - please note, this is a spoof manual for schools! Instruction Manual A lot of parents of autistic children are convinced that school staff and local authority professionals already have training in getting angry parents off their backs. It has even been suggested that there is a manual for them to consult, full of excuses, one-liners and patronising dismissals. There isn’t, of course, but that only presents an opportunity for an enterprising writer... So here it is: the Idiot’s Guide to Bullshitting to Autism Parents. The following guidelines and suggestions for dealing with stroppy parents of autistic children have all been field tested on real parents. (As every education professional knows, the fact that they have been tested doesn’t mean that they work. Only that they have been tested.) Occupy the moral high ground. Whatever else you do, keep this territory for yourself. It is the most valuable strategic position to occupy, because as the emotional intensity of a disagreement increases, the perceived moral high ground becomes more important than morality itself. What I call the “Esther Rantzen Argument” is a classic example of this: ‘At the end of the day, if it helps one child, it is worth it,’ and ‘Everything I do is for the children.’ We all know that this is nothing less than a claim to be justified in inflicting harm on others for a greater good, and it is morally objectionable. But just let people try to object - they’ll give you an open goal. The harm you inflict is for the good of the children - so it is easy to smear anyone who objects. Once you have claimed this moral high ground, you will be free to inflict anything you wish on others because no-one will dare oppose you. You can also defend your claim to the moral high ground while making non-promises like: • I am taking your concerns very seriously • This is my absolute priority • Intervention is vital • I am doing everything in my power Try inventing your own. It’s easy, and strangely gratifying, to have your own moralising catchphrase. White is black, black is white; you are wrong, I am right. The first thing that parents learn about autism is that getting the diagnosis is the easy part. The real fight comes when you want appropriate support from school. So nothing takes the wind out of a parent’s sails quite like taking them back to square one and challenging the diagnosis. As an expert in education you have every right to do that. You’ve taught more children than these parents have ever seen in their lives, so you’re bound to know that if it was really autism there would be the opposite of what you see: • more or less eye contact • language delay or precocious language • social isolation or intensive attempts at social interaction more or less intelligence Another common dismissal: ‘not disabled enough, too capable, not severe enough to qualify.’ And my all-time favourite: ‘that can’t be autism. He has no special skill.’ And for those special occasions where you really want to inflict pain on a parent: ‘it’s obviously not autism. He’s cuddling or touching or hand holding.’ You’re just not a good parent There was a time when schools and social services could accuse parents of autistic children of having MSbP (Munchausen’s Syndrome by Proxy.) The ‘smoking gun’ symptom was a parent who knew more about the child’s supposed condition than the experts. (You’re an expert, by the way. Being a professional means you are an expert on all aspects of child development, including autism, even though you don’t realise it.) With an accusation of MSbP on the record, every symptom presented by the child could be dismissed as fabricated or induced; every argument and defence by the parent ridiculed without any of that needless justification or evidence. But those days are long gone. Undermining a parent’s ability to raise their child now requires subtlety and guile - but it can still be done. Look at this handy list of dismissive rebuttals that can be used in meetings and discussions, and see if you can make up some more: • We all know about the family problems • Are you taking medication for your anxiety? (Have you seen a doctor about your mental health?) • We can cater for your child’s issues, but not for yours • Your child doesn’t need the label, but you clearly need the excuse • I know it is upsetting, but we have to face reality and accept it • You have no other children, do you? • Try to relax • All children do that at one time or another • It’s not a problem we see at school. It must be you. • Well, if you give in to him/her all the time, what do you expect? • You need to be firmer/more understanding/more consistent • We have some excellent parenting courses... Lalala! I’m not listening! Why should you acknowledge or act on things you don’t want to hear or which will distract you from your Action Plan? The last thing a successful professional needs is a difficult parent telling them what to do. So summarise the situation in a way that contradicts the parent. “I think we both agree that...” is a useful phrase, especially when you throw in a meaningless platitude and moralising pipe-dream. Misdirected contradictions always work: ‘Well, you say his behaviour is regressing, but if you look at his academic records I can show you that he has made progress in maths this term...’ Instruction Manual Qualified concessions are an effective way of appearing to give in without losing face: ‘Very well, I shall change the targets on the IEP. Obviously, this needs to be done after consultation with other staff, and we’ll let you have a copy once they have been agreed.’ Autism specific ways of doing this can be great fun: • Yes, I know she has a sensory processing disorder, but she shouldn’t let that distract her. • He needs to engage with the strategies we’ve put in place for him in class • Autism is only a communication issue. If you used AAC with him the problem would be solved • That’s a health issue. This is a school. Blame everyone else It’s important that your aura of omniscience and infallibility is not tarnished, so make sure that everyone else takes their share of the blame (i.e. all of it.) The obvious place to start is with the child: • she can do it, and he is cleverer and higher functioning than her, so he should be able to do it too • he doesn’t always do that, so that proves he’s controlling it • our methods would be ineffective. Why don’t you take her to the doctor for medication? • This is a school. Our job is teaching the curriculum. The problems you describe are not related to the curriculum. ...and never miss an opportunity to be personal... • He’s no trouble with us • If he works at school all day and breaks down at home, it’s obvious who is getting it wrong • Well, I have extensive training and I know what I am doing. Moving forward... Take control. Be assertive. Don’t let an indolent stay-at-home parent take the initiative in conversation with a high-flying professional like yourself. Practise putting an end to a discussion with these handy phrases: • Frankly, weve never had any other complaints • The extra provision is stipulated by the therapist, and neither of us are qualified to overrule a professional opinion • Let’s watch the situation carefully and have another meeting in six months • If it’s so serious, we need to discuss it at the annual review with all the professionals present • We all agreed at the meeting last month • Lets draw a line under that and move forward Make an exception • She is too complex and won’t engage with this strategy • She is not complex enough and the strategy is inappropriate • He does not meet the criteria set by the local authority • There are other, more needy children And finally, always remember this: you are the decision maker. At the end of the day, it is only your opinion that matters. Even if the parents win the argument, you can still as you damn well please. (many thanks to asdfriendly.org for this)
Posted on: Wed, 03 Dec 2014 15:07:56 +0000
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