A friend of mine said of my recent behavior that it was juvenile. I was amused; “of course,” I thought; wasn’t that the point? Doesn’t anyone get that? LOL. When I was a child I’d sometimes have minor nightmares in which I’d showed up to school half naked, having forgotten to put a shirt on. This is how powerful social conditioning is- that a boy is terrified of forgetting to wear a shirt to school. I paused to take my shirt off in Godfather’s…facing an old childhood fear. Connie was on the phone. “Oh, God. No Sasha just took his shirt off. It’s okay. I kind of saw it coming. He just went screaming down the street (to embarrass an acquaintance).” Then I put my shirt back on. We are so conditioned to behave in a certain way, and to behave in a certain way is to think in a certain way. People are not even free in their minds. Some believe it’s the oppressive state government, or corporate powers that condition us; true, but I have always found it isn’t the police or corporate powers I fear, it’s my friends and peers; and it is fear that largely conditions our behavior. We want to be liked and loved so we aim for behavior that those we want to be liked and loved by will approve of. We aim to be seen as mature, not immature, cool, not un-cool, competent, not incompetent, emotionally stable, not neurotic or other, and so on and so on. Slowly, by degrees we lock ourselves into a prison made by our friends and ourselves, as we make a prison for others. The world aims at all the things the world values, and still we wake everyday to the same day, look in the mirror to see the same person, what change happens, happens impossibly slow. I run to my fears. I run to expose myself in pubic, to dig up every fear and embarrassment I can feel, until I can laugh at them all. I’ve put some much of my drama and mess on line, but I walk this town completely unafraid, and look into the eyes of others, with no shame or embarrassment. Yes, you can become stronger by doing those things others will praise you for; but if your strength is barrowed from their praise and affection, what happens when they seize to smile at you; where is your strength then? What do we lock away in the closet, afraid others might find out? So many closets. So much fear. How much can we lock away in the closet, before we’ve locked ourselves away? I don’t understand the purpose of the journey, which means, I don’t understand the purpose of the temporal nature of things- that to arrive at a point one desires one must move forward in time, and in that time so much that we would or could do is lost to the past. I till the soil of myself; I turn up the worms and bugs in the rich Earth of my being, for birds to feast on, before they take flight. But they will take flight; that I know. That is the purpose of this, of acting “juvenile,” and then laughing, at myself, and others- “what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger.” Soon, enough it will be time to do something else, but not yet. This is my meditation for the present. I’m a boy who left his shirt and showed at school half naked, and the other kids are laughing at me, but if I put on a shirt, it will because I choose to put on a shirt, not because I’m afraid of the other kids laughing at me. Laugh all you want. 24,000 children died today from preventable causes, from poverty; in my life, in this journey, by the time I reach this magic point of maturity at least a hundred million children will have died. Who has an answer for that? Who can tell me, act this way, and those children will live…no one. So I’ll go on seeking my own answers; finding my own way. Laugh… Judge… Fear… Hmmm…. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s a good day for a little drama, a little exploration of self and love, and see a friend you love, and try to love those you don’t; and most of all LOVE YOURSELF… And laugh.
Posted on: Thu, 20 Jun 2013 17:59:52 +0000
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