(A little personal, but I decided to share. Im a little tired of hiding it and who knows, maybe itll help others not feel so bad about anything they feel ashamed of) What my anxiety does to me. First, it acts differently in different situations, but the hard core full blown attacks are related to something specific. In my everyday life, I can function enough to keep going in life. I must keep myself relaxed and calm for the most part or else the stress gets to me and I become unpleasant. I must withdraw from the environment and escape to somewhere I can be alone. If I cant escape, I panic and when I panic, I get emotional and fearful, and I can lash out at people verbally. Though it isnt always possible for me to escape, I, for the most part, can escape to relax . I have learned many techniques through therapy and classes and speaking with counselors and research to maintain a mostly anxiety free life.... at home and at school (because I can leave class and still pass). Though it does happen on occasion, higher during exams or presentation/assignment due dates. When I enter an environment I feel I cant escape from that is stressful, this is a whole different ball game. This is where my anxiety gets more specific. Since I was 16-17 years old, each and every time I entered the workforce I have fled the job within a few days max. Maybe its because reality sets in that Im unable to just get up and leave if I am having issues, I dont know. However, this is when my anxiety attacks increase a lot. I panic big time, I cry, I have a hard time breathing, I have pains in my chest, I have a hard time focussing on anything, and I run. When I get home I go to bed and just want to be alone. At that time I have problems eating for a few days and real trouble sleeping. I spend a lot of my time worrying about what Im going to do, how Im going to face my employer, how to face my family and friends and explained how I failed once again. I go into a depression for quite some time and have a hard time wanting to go outside or talk to anyone. I am embarrassed. Through my education and research and talking with professionals and hearing other peoples stories, it has become easier to accept the anxiety for what it is, a mental health issue that I suffer with. So the parts about how I feel AFTER the anxiety attack has lessened but not gone away. I WANT to say that I have a handle on it, that I can defeat it... but the truth is it still takes me a good while to be able to look in the mirror and convince myself of it. I can lie to other people but not to myself. I decided to go to college and take the Social Service Worker and Mental Health and Addictions courses for a few reasons. Help me empower myself with understanding of my condition, and because of my interest in the topic and my determination to get over it, hopefully gain employment in the field so that it doesnt feel like Im stuck and have no way out. Hopefully I will enjoy what Im doing and my anxiety wont kick in and also, since Im in the field, people will understand me and not judge me. Hopefully. That is the word of the day with me. I still worry that despite what Im doing, Im going to enter the Social Service career and its going to happen again. If it does, Im worried what it will do to my mental state, as I kind of feel that this is my last chance to make something of my life. My last chance to show the world, and especially myself, that I can get over this. Ill always have anxiety, but Im hoping I can control it enough to get on with my life, and help others do the same.
Posted on: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 16:24:37 +0000
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