A lot of people I know - myself included - use the idea of living each day as if it was your last as a catalyst for making only the choices that are truly, deeply important to you. In that regard, it works pretty well - but if you want clarity on what REALLY matters to you, cut that down to about two minutes. In order to keep working really late tonight, I was eating and drinking stuff way past my usual stopping point. I didnt plan to sleep, but then it just needed to happen, so I shut down for a few hours, and fell asleep. I was too tired, and rolled into the wrong side, and aspirated everything Id been eating and drinking into my lungs, and woke up choking. When I stood up to cough it out, something shifted and my airways sealed completely. I couldnt move air in either direction. Couldnt speak. And realized that I was really in trouble. And the first thing I thought of was that there would be no time to send a message to anyone - which meant whatever Id said last to the people I cared about most was it. And I realized...It was okay. The last things Id said had been the things that needed saying, no hesitation, no reservations, literally nothing but love. And then I blacked out. When I fell, I hit chin and chest on a very hard floor, and the impact dislodged what was blocking my airways just enough to suck in some air and then start hacking up what was in my lungs. It feels like my insides have been scraped with steel wool. I managed to drag myself to a couch, and Im still here. I spent about twenty minutes debating whether or not an ambulance and a run to the emergency room was necessary, but Im breathing well enough now, and I think all Ill really need is a visit to Urgent Care for antibiotics and painkillers when they open. Things can happen pretty quickly; lives can change in minutes. And it may be that whatever you said or wrote last is all youll ever get to say. In looking over my last messages to friends and family, I figure that if I love you and Im proud of you and I believe in you had been the last messages I ever got to send, Im really not doing too bad. Also pretty thankful at the moment for a really nice couch.
Posted on: Tue, 15 Jul 2014 10:48:00 +0000
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