“A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit the UK in the early hours of yesterday morning. The epicentre of the quake was in Barnsley, South Yorkshire. News of the disaster was swiftly carried by the release of 85,000 racing pigeons. The quake decimated the area causing almost £30.00 worth of damage and 3 areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics, Spanish Costa’s and Skegness were also damaged beyond repair. Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived and victims were seen aimlessly wandering around muttering “FOOKINELL” and “CHOOFINNORAH”. Dingle FM (the voice of Barnsley) reported that hundreds of residents were still trying to come to terms with the fact something interesting had happened to Barnsley. Despite this, people have tried to carry on as usual and normal level of muggings, looting and car crimes were quickly re-established. One resident, Tracey Sharon Braithwaite, a 15 year old mother of 3 said “ it waar reight freetin, me owdest, Chardonnay-Maddonna cum runnin intet bedroom roowerin. Yungest two, Tyler-Morgan and Brittney-Megan slept froo it all. I waar still shakin when I waar watchin Trisha ont Sky+ next morning. Rescue work has already started and the British Red Cross have so far managed to drop 8,000 crates of sunny delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers have begun sifting through the debris and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke and bone china from Poundland. HOW CAN YOU HELP Clothing is the most sought after, items most needed include: - Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops ( His and Hers ) Shell suits ( female) White sport socks Rockfort Boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Foodstuff should be packed in a Netto carrier bag and include: - Microwave meals, Oven chips, Pot noodles, Cans of John Smith bitter, Tinned Whippet food, Alphabet spaghetti should not be sent as literacy lessons are not appropriate at this time.” Regards BARNSLEY METROPOLITAN BOROUGH COUNCIL
Posted on: Wed, 25 Sep 2013 17:46:16 +0000