A mothers pain and joy. TO MY DEAD SON: EVAN RAY WILSON DUQUE.., as I lay down for bed, after I tell my two beautiful children I was so blessed with after the loss of you, I cant help but to feel a bit of emptiness. You would be 17 right now. I never quit thinking about you ever, but my days often get occupied by life, as I was meant to live it, continue to live it, even after your passing. I know you are everywhere, and are watching your baby brothers grow into handsome, smart, well rounded kids. I cant help to think that you have wrapped them up in your wings, and have helped to guide and protect them. Remember when they used to call you heaven, because they couldnt say evan? Sometimes as a mother I feel guilty when my heart feels broken that I dont have you here with me. I feel like that means I dont appreciate my two amazing beautiful boys that are alive here with me.. Sometimes as a mother I feel guilty when my heart doesnt feel so broken on a given day, that I dont have you, because I feel like that means I dont miss you or love you. It is so hard sometimes. I feel as though I will never quite adjust to having joint custody, because for one, well, I love having my boys with me . But also not only are they not with me every other week, but there also always feels like something is missing. Then I get a pain in my gut, and I realize I an missing something. Im missing you. I an so grateful for the moments I had with you. Today its just one of those days that mommy feels heart broken. I put on a smile, wear a tough exterior. I dont want to burden people with a pain that has been going on for many many years. But in the daily hustle and bustle of life, there isnt at least once I day I dont stop and look at your urn. Today is a day I just feel like I want you here and Im mad about it. Mommy needs you. Mommy needs her son to kiss her cheek and tell her he loves you. One of the hardest things about losing a child is losing a part of your soul. Losing the future. I dont know how tall you would be right now, would you work? Would you be struggling with the disease of addiction.like mommy has? Would you have a girlfriend? A boyfriend? Would yiu already have a license? would you have your daddys traits, dark haired and big eyes or moms fair skin.and strawberry blonde hair? would you be into sports, music, video games, guns, fishing, or all of the above? I know years have passed since your death, but sometimes it feels like yesterday. My joy in this is having my own guardian angel appointed to me by god himself, to watch over me , his brothers and those I love. Thank you for giving me the gift of love. Without your loss I might have never been able to love as deeply and as passionately as I do. Thank you for the gift of spirituality, for it is because of your loss I started the journey to find a higher power. I couldnt bare the thought of not being able to feel you around me. Thank you . Thank you for protecting me in my darkest hours. Thank you fine tuning my senses to the earth around me so I may better feel your presence. I love you evan ray wilson duque. Imiss you. I never forget you. I wish I had you here, there are so many things I want to talk with you about. I need my baby boy (well 17 yr old) to hug mommy. But ... For whatever reason I had to lose my first born son, I need to trust that god needed you more. I am grateful that I am special enough to have a personal angel. God knew how tough Ive had it, and how much I needed watching over. With that it makes me think of my song for you.. Kenny chesney, who youd be today. and if god should have it, I shall but love thee better after death.
Posted on: Tue, 19 Aug 2014 08:33:09 +0000
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