A peek inside my heart: You know what Im observing about myself? I am most free when I shut out the elemental weight of meaning I place on the other and operate as cleanly as possible from my true higher self. I am impressively creative, dynamic, magical, charismatic, beneficial to others, powerful, eloquent, etc... And then in more intimate relationship I begin to doubt myself when faced with the discomfort or disagreement of others. This has me be unhappy, awkward, repressive, fear driven, and desperate. It is the one major place in my life that I still struggle to stand my ground in knowing who the master in me is. In such situations, I vacillate between humility and mastery, and I am mercilessly unforgiving of my own shortcomings. I courageously take chances as long as the risk is all mine, but when my courage is going to have an effect on the lives of others in a direct and intimate way, I am often paralyzed to be in action for fear of effing up or causing harm. To take such risks is important to me though. Sometimes I am the one who sees the thing clearly, and no one else is anywhere near making the choice, so I must make it for us all, be the harbinger, be the maven, the carver of paths. And I go through a litany of reasons not to choose the action called for, including all of my own imperfections and misreads, including all of the mistakes Ive made in the past, as if the entire world will be destroyed by the one choice if it turns out badly. Sometimes I dont want to be the one to make it because then Ive got to be the one to take the responsibility for how it turns out. But that fear is never the truth is it? Whats really underneath that is the fear of being the leader, of being responsible, of effing up and being seen as imperfect. This is pride, ego, and arrogance frankly, as if I know better than God who moves through me and puts me in these circumstances in the first place to do what I do so well, to say what I see so clearly. The fear and hesitation mostly shows up in my personal relationships very strongly, where I want desperately to have every person Im close to know that I love and admire them, and to have them love me freely in return. I dont want them to feel violated or uncomfortable because of my choices. But I know that Spirit is guiding me on my own behalf and theirs. So part of my path in the moment? Is to practice being freely, authentically, self expressed, speaking the truths, choosing the actions, making the choices, that my higher self, the master in me, sees to be called for by Spirit moving through me. Sometimes its excruciating. But Im doing it anyway. And what Im learning is that there really is no other acceptable way to live, even when its confronting for others... even when its confronting for ME. Every good thing that I cherish right now, has come into my life because of my willingness to be MYSELF through discomfort and even pain, making no compromise and no sacrifice, and no holding back. Why should today be any different then? *thanking myself for the reminder* Just thought Id share this lil inner dialogue Ive been having with myself for the last few months. Thank you for being open to reading. xo
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 20:08:14 +0000
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