A perfect description... EXPLAINING MY DEPRESSION TO MY MOTHER: A CONVERSATION. Mom, My depression is a shape shifter. One day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear.The next, it’s the bear. On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone. I call the bad days the dark days. Mom said “try lighting candles”. When I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church. The flicker of a flame. Sparks of a memory younger than noon. I am standing beside her open casket. It is the moment that I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die. Besides mom, I’m not afraid of the dark. Perhaps that’s part of the problem. Mom said “I thought the problem was that you can’t get out of bed.” I can’t. Anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house. Inside of my head. Mom says “where did anxiety come from?” Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town. Depression felt obligated to bring to the party. Mom, I am the party. Only I am a party I don’t want to be at. Mom says “Why don’t you try going to actual parties? See your friends. ” Sure, I make plans. I make plans but I don’t wanna go. I make plans because I know I should want to go. I know sometimes I would have wanted to go. It’s just not that much fun having fun when you don’t want to have fun, mom. You see mom, Each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove light. Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company. Mom says “try counting sheep” But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake. So I go for walks. But my stuttering knee caps clank like silver spoons, Held in strong arms with loose wrists. They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells, Reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in. Mom says “Happy is a decision” But my happy is hallow as a pin pricked egg. My happy is a high fever that will break. My mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing, And then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying. No. I am afraid of living. Mom. I am lonely. I think of how I learned when dad left how to turn the anger into lonely. The lonely into busy So when I tell you “I’ve been super busy lately” I mean I’ve been falling asleep watching sports center on the couch to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed. But my depression always drags me back to my bed, Until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city. My mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves. The hallow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat. But I am a careless tourist here. I will never truly know everywhere I have been. Mom still doesn’t understand. Mom! Can’t you see that neither can I? https://youtube/watch?v=aqu4ezLQEUA
Posted on: Sat, 06 Dec 2014 05:08:06 +0000
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