A sharing on: How To Stop Resisting and Persisting I know you’ve heard that phrase before. What about when a friend says it to you, right after you’ve just spilled your guts (for the 100th time about the same thing)? I know, I know! What I resist, persists! I’m TRYING to stop resisting here, but it’s HAAAAAARD! Yesterday in the Year of Inquiry group, we investigated the belief “this situation (or person, place, maybe you) requires fixing”. Sometimes, we have the same kinds of thoughts, over and over again. We’d like to change, but don’t know how. Gosh, it really needs fixing. It needs to become different. ASAP. Here are some really, really common resistant moments and experiences that people have written to me about, or worked with me in addressing. I’ve gone through every single one. Eating too much, especially at night when alone Bouncing checks or not having enough money Complaining about your career Telling yourself you should be exercising more Thinking about your ex-partner Criticizing your current partner Worrying about your kid(s) These thoughts come along about your work, your life, your spouse, your activities, your money, your spiritual life, your success. Then you say “I’M AGAINST THIS! DOWN WITH THIS SITUATION!” If you go down the Resistance Path….which assumes you need to fix it…. …..here’s what I find always happens: You attack the thing or situation outside of yourself, you attack YOU for being involved in the first place, you feel lousy, you hate it, you make a plan to change, it doesn’t, you attack the situation or thing outside yourself, you attack yourself…. ….you get the picture. Merry-go-round. No Freedom. No peace. In war, resistance is considered the opposing force. In psychiatry, resistance is never wanting to bring something dark and secretive or unconscious into consciousness. In biological science, resistant diseases can’t be attacked or broken apart. It’s tight, tense, scheming, full of plans. Let’s do The Work and inquire. Pick just one of those places in your life that you notice bugs you, more than once, and probably a whole lot. I’m completely against this situation. This relationship. This person. This job. Is it true, that you’re against it? YES! Duh! Who wouldn’t be? I can show you my proof and tell you my difficult story. Can you be absolutely sure that you’re against this, the whole shebang? Are you positive that there is NOTHING to like, nothing serving you, nothing helpful, in this activity, this person, this job, or this dynamic? When I used to binge-eat many years ago, at the beginning of my healing journey if you had asked me if there was anything helpful about having an eating disorder, I would have said “No! What are you, nuts?!” But can you be absolutely 100% positive that everything about this repetitive situation….your complaints about that person, dreaming about your past, obsessing about your future, repeating the same thing many times (like addiction)….can you be sure you hate it? That you’re entirely against it? No. This is really important to notice. When I ate, I’d get distracted, I’d feel comfort, I’d switch channels, I’d calm down, I’d tune out. So I wasn’t completely and totally against binge-eating. I could have barely admitted it. But that was truer. How do you react when you believe you are against something!? When you believe that the way to peace is to fight, defend, bolster yourself up, justify yourself, build an army, make a plan? When you believe this situation requires fixing, it is broken? I react with great aggression towards myself, or towards others. Even if its all on the inside. It’s like a storm, internally. When I hold resistance to anything or anyone, or any moment, any feeling, any circumstance…. ….I feel terrible, sad, urgent. I call myself an idiot. I notice how stuck I am. I lash out at other people. Or clam up. Give up. “Self-hate encourages you to judge, then it beats you for judging. You judge someone else and it’s simply self-hate projected outward, then you get to use it back on yourself when you beat yourself for judging! We call this ‘Heads you lose, tails you lose.’” ~ Cheri Huber So who would you be without the thought that you MUST resist this thing? Without the belief that you are against this situation, or yourself, or that person? Who would you be if you were a tree, that simply stands there, rooted very deeply into the ground, bending with the wind? Who would you be without the belief that you have to do something about this pesky situation? You have to fight, destroy, change or end it? No war. No resistance. It’s pretty counter-intuitive in many ways. The mind wants to make a goal, get a plan together. Form a posse. It will tell you “I must quit smoking” or “I absolutely have to stop overeating” or “this job sucks”. We already know how you react when you believe you have to resist something in order to make it end. You lose. So what is the opposite, to your thoughts of resistance? I want this to keep going, this situation is working somehow in some weird way, I am not against this, there are advantages to this situation occurring in my life…. …I LOVE THIS! Well, OK, maybe you can’t quite say you love it…but can you not hate it? I’m in favor of this situation. I’m FOR it. How could that be true? For me all those binge-eating episodes and anxiety-ridden experiences showed me where I was confused, missing something, lost. They inspired the most incredible lifetime journey, still unfolding, of brightening reality. A profound journey unlike anything I could ever imagine was going to happen. Find out why you might be in favor of that thing you thought you were against. Notice what it feels like, in your body, to not resist it. You may not know what you need to do next….but in this exact moment, doesn’t that feel better to lay down your arms? That’s the beginning. Let it be the way it is. You got this. “A lover of what is looks forward to everything: life, death, disease, loss, earthquakes, bombs, anything the mind might be tempted to call ‘bad’. Life will bring us everything we need, to show us what we haven’t undone yet. Nothing outside ourselves can make us suffer. Except for our unquestioned thoughts, every place is paradise.” ~ Byron Katie Much love, Grace Bell
Posted on: Sun, 04 May 2014 07:14:35 +0000
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