A week ago today I completed an outstanding commissioned painting, put some final touches on two other paintings, went home, and took a bath. Upon exiting the bath I noticed that the body was not feeling okay. Something had gone off. I went right to bed. The next morning I woke feeling physically terrible with flu like symptoms. I had a car appointment for some easy recall fix, so I mustered the energy to go to that. While in the waiting room they called me into the office, all serious, with the news, “this car has this and this wrong with it and should not really be driven until it gets fixed.” Hmmm, I thought, the flu and a car that should not be driven -looks like I’ve manifested a situation where I am not to leave the house! Time to go inward. My soul is calling for transformation – and I have little choice. The big themes up for me were what is home?, where is my security?, and identity (which later became, in a dramatic way, physical self image). I have heard the clear guidance to move and although I was practicing by moving all around the world learning to trust, I was scared and all I wanted was to be home. While back in my apartment, I found myself caught in every other busy activity other than “moving”. Finally, I asked the question (a prompt from a good friend), what do I imagine when I let go off this apartment? First thing that came to mind was me alone, nowhere to go, lost. Then what came was an image of me stripped of identity and attachments, empty. This image had a sense of freedom to it; it actually felt good. Next, I got a sense of open possibility, something new, different, more expansive, an envisioned environment and in co-creation. This felt really good. Then I noticed the ego come in with, I can’t, how?, and I need someone. So like a good student, I took a breath and asked Spirit about this. The replies were: I can’t – old paradigm. Are you willing to drop it? How – the way will be shown. I need someone - is that true? After some back and forth… Jeshua asked, are you willing for that someone to be me? A flood of tears mixed in with laughter. Still I went back and forth with fear and laughter, learning to trust the Voice for God within myself and using the fear to turn to spirit and ask anew. Lots of tears and lots of laughter came from this little exchange. I then decided to breath for an hour. What came up were two childhood memories from where the beliefs the house is my stability and yet I can loose it and the world is not safe. So this was my shaky foundation. No wonder I was afraid to let go of a place I had outgrown years ago. Again, it was time to go inward and find my true security, my true identity. John Mark called it my cocoon, which, indeed, it has been. Just so happens, the environment to go inward is exactly what I had already chosen! I had chicken pox and I was getting physically sicker by the minute. Now I really cant leave the house. So much fear came up with the pain, the weakness and with what was emerging on the body. The virus especially attacked the face. Not only did I look like a monster I was a contagious monster. I imagined myself as repulsive and unwanted. So minute by minute I was given an invitation to go back to Spirit, to make my home in the breathing, to declare I Am unlimited being, the Christ. And I watched myself over the week choosing for Spirit over and over again. I was trusting God’s certain healing – through seeing and questioning where I was not. I had to. There was no other way to make it through what seemed like hell at times. And I see clear as day now that my Essence, the Spirit within is unscathed by this chicken pox, healed, untouched by the fear of homelessness, and not afraid of any of the ego’s games. It has a strength that surpasses anything I know. Above all it is Joy. Yesterday, Wilma showed up and saw me and I dared to show my face to a friend on Skype – knowing that I had to go through this and guess what, I lived! Experiencing my own reaction to others reaction in seeing my face is my classroom right now. Today, I looked at myself in the mirror, after days of being horrified at the image, and laughed. I laughed because I saw my Essence! My face looked funny and that is all. It looked liked I was playing around trying on a clown face and I thought John Mark’s nose would look good on this face. This was not me. I have put so much on my physical appearance that this challenge has been and will be priceless. I have been so identified with my appearance that for a few days I became identified with the face in the mirror filled with big oozing red boils. And so I am posting this face for all of you to see. (I have to move through this!) My Essence unscathed. My friend, Thomas, came on Skype today full of red dots on his face that looked just like chicken pox. I laughed so much! What a gift that was. Im still laughing. And as far as letting go of the house, I am now in a place of excitement. This unlimited Being can laugh at the idea of the world not being safe, scarcity, and homelessness. With that infilling of Spirit my dream of many years dropped in again, the one that was hinted at in my questioning earlier in the week. I want to co create a retreat center, community, a place of beauty, vistas, joining and regeneration. Im excited now to let this dream come to life, allow it in, say Yes. I’m to be a steward for the unfolding of a spiritual center. Wow. I’m not sure how, and ill be shown. Jeshua said my path was paved. ☺ Yes, fear will come up. Ive already gotten dizzy around it. But what do I have to loose? I know my home is Knowing Im one with God and not in the brick and mortar. None of these things are mine and none of it defines me. It can all be given to purpose. So, im gonna be looking…. Wahooo!! And maybe, just maybe ill make it to the PF in Colorado albeit a few days late. It will be good to show my face!! If you actually read all this, bless you and thank you!!
Posted on: Fri, 10 Oct 2014 00:13:07 +0000
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