A year ago today it was windy and raining heavily... my mother lay still and mostly silent, only her breaths, further and further apart broke the silence of the room. I was worried about my sister who had reluctantly gone home earlier, exhausted and limping badly from a painful, swollen knee.... she was distaught not wanting to go but knowing she had to, because the level of trauma in loosing her husband only a few short years previousley was still raw. She didnt need to go through that again. My brother was with me.... frightened, terrified of something he had not encountered before, he saw it as the monster in the corner, I tried to explain to him what was happening... offerred comfort.. but the man in his early fiftys became a panicking child and his mother could no longer help. He ran from the room when he thought she had gone.. So at midnight I held her as she took those last few breaths. Mum had a good death, peaceful, not in pain so she took a gentle step from this existance and into the next one.... Half an hour later I drove to Carols house, it was raining harder, almost horizontal so fierce was the wind, there was no parking place, I drove round and round, backwards and forwards, shattered, feeling totally sorry for myself. When I did eventually park it was a good distance from the house, and by the time I had run through the rain my clothes were soaked. Carol came to the top of the stairs, swaying, heavily drugged up from pain killers... I whispered to her, its okay, go back to bed, Mum is in a wonderful place now. I sat downstairs for about an hour, in the dark... it was probably the most lonely time in my life. No tears fell... not one. Apart from the funeral and a few short odd minutes the grief never really affected me. Until today, when a lovely hand written card from the hospice dropped through my letter box along with the Grave Deeds, now in my name. At first I laughed at the absurdity of it all, today of all days... then I wept, and cried away a year of being practical, being strong, being good old Jo. Feel better for it now... Tears are such wonderful things, and I guess I wept them for Carol also.... because she is my rock, remains so, and we live to far apart to have weekly hugs and no one should have to go through what she has had to endure. Love her to bits xxx As I do my sister Andra, again to far away. Why am I sharing these thoughts on FB? because its also a huge Thank you to my friends, southern family who have been so lovely over this past year. xxxxx
Posted on: Thu, 13 Nov 2014 22:00:58 +0000