“AM JUST SAYING WITH MUTINTA MUSOKOTWANE-CHIKOPELA ” An Affair, Must it Spell the End? Must it? REALLY? AN AFFAIR can be one of the most devastating challenges a marriage can ever face. Whilst one party might be sincerely remorseful and apologetic (not just sorry that they got caught), the other feels betrayed, self-conscience, in-secure and completely broken. Trust, a core part of any union, is highly compromised – if not obliterated. The question is, how can a couple navigate their relationship through such trying times, to not only heal, but perhaps even strengthen their bond? Life is framed by decisions, some harder to make than others. For instance, if as a couple you are faced with mistrust and insecurity caused by infidelity, you can make a conscience decision to work it out and overcome it as a union. You can decide to fight for your marriage, for your partner and for each other. I am not talking about the hopeless serial cheaters who believe “ubuchende bwa mwaume, blah blah blah” I am talking about people that have gone astray, and genuinely want to change and do right by their spouses and families. I am talking about people that have been emotionally damaged, and are willing to forgive and try again. I am talking about the couple that has been challenged and is ready to rise above all the B.S to stand stronger as one. If you believe in your partner and family, I believe it’s worth your effort and time. In my opinion, the first action should be for each party to step back and analyze the relationship in its totality. At this point, you ask yourself a few critical questions. What sort of relationship have you had thus far? How have you and your partner treated each other throughout your marriage? When and how could the bad seed have been planted? In answering such questions, if you can still realize the goodness in your partner and marriage, it is worth every effort. This is not an easy road to take, but it’s not an impossible one either. By the way, I hope by the time you reach this far in the process, the affair would have been way over. Just so we are clear, the erring partner must have completely ended the affair, and be fully committed to the healing process. Your next action would be to regroup as a couple. You will have to have some deep, intimate and serious discussions about the way forward. Some of these discussions may open painful wounds but still must be had. You must tackle issues that can open your eyes to what might have led to this chapter in your lives. This would be a good time to discuss ways to safe guard your selves from a repeat incident. For the injured party’s understanding and closure, they may want details of the affair (be careful what you ask for). The other party might take this chance to give their sincere apology, lay their soul bare to pledge their support and commitment (honesty is key here). In my opinion, this phase not only sets the pace for the rest of the healing process but could also refresh memories of how you fell in love. Thereafter, without casting blame on themselves, the injured party should take stock of what role they might have played to this point. Again this could open up some painful wounds but may save you from worse pain in the future. It is key for you as a couple to go back to being one and stand united against the outside forces. This will be the only way that you will get back on your journey to “HOLY” Matrimony and a successful marriage. Being united need not mean one party policing the other to ensure the outside forces are not trying to weasel their way back into your lives. The key is with the partner that strayed as they have to realize and accept that the ball is in their court. It is completely within their power to ensure that the family is protected from outside forces. A word of advice: if you decide to stay, you cannot keep referring to the affair. You have to be 100% committed to making it work. There is nothing more discouraging to the healing process than having every conversation ending in a question or a comment about the affair. Only when both parties bare their souls completely can they resolve to move on. Even in times of anger and high emotion (and there will be such times), do not refer to the affair if it has nothing to do with the matter at hand. A case in point is Hilary Clinton. Not only did she have to deal with her husband having an affair but she had to deal with it publicly. I cannot begin to imagine the humiliation she must have endured. But hey, she came to terms and accepted it. She came out of her husband’s shadow an even stronger person to become the most powerful woman in the world and potentially the next President of the United States of America. How about that? So, can an affair help a marriage? Yes!! You need not agree with me, you need not believe me afterall, “I’m just saying”. At this point I have to add a disclaimer. I am not for a minute condoning affairs. I think it is really appalling that we live in a society where cheating on your partner has become the norm rather than the exception. This is not meant to encourage anyone to go out there and have an affair hoping their spouse will forgive them. This is meant to give hope to the brothers and sisters that may find themselves in an abyss because of a partner’s betrayal. God bless you. Interact with me on mutintamusokotwane@outlook or face book - Mutinta Musokotwane-Chikopela.
Posted on: Tue, 24 Jun 2014 08:23:10 +0000
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015