AS OUR NATION seems to grow more violent and dangerous it is perhaps well that we think of new ways of protecting our homes and families from the scourge of criminal behavior. After a year of intense training I now make public the guard fish that can make any felon regret he ever set foot in the Eishaus. This Cichlid, who is known by many names such as Gefilte, Feesh, Vigoda, Moby Twit, Bruce, Chief Brody, Swamp Donkey Perfume, Walter, GillLigula, Adolf Fishler, and J. Frothingham Waterbury, has become as dangerous as an annoyed Hammerhead, Tiger or Mako shark. This murderous creature, result of a training regimen that proved to be a dangerous attempt at home security, has now developed a taste for human blood. Mostly mine. As I tried to feed him his regular fishy foods he learned to surface and take the morsel from my hand. One day he bit so hard he drew blood, and has never been the same since. He follows me about the room from his tank, and has now been attempting to knock the lid off his tank. Every 20 minutes or so you will hear a bang and the rattle of plastic as the maddened beast surfaces like a Killer Whale under a tasty seal pup. The brief video speaks for itself, and if I should be found on the floor in a puddle of my own crimson tide this will point the police to the murderous aqua-Nazi responsible. However, if he does escape after murdering my person he would find it an easy flip flop to the mighty Susquehanna River. From there the horrid death fish of death could easily make it into the Chesapeake Bay and feast on beach going Marylanders. The results would be catastrophic to the tourist industry in the state, and the danger to the crab, oyster,and rock fish supplies would threaten the lives of Marylanders. (If a Marylander cannot eat something from the Chesapeake at least once a month he starts to deteriorate and will eventually either die, or worse.) ( move to Jersey.) Holding the line at present, but consider this a warning. Perhaps the only one Ill get to deliver....as I type this message IT watches me...It watches...smacking lips and plotting.
Posted on: Wed, 16 Jul 2014 16:56:09 +0000
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